The Next Outbreak

Yesterday, one of the topic my friends and I had was about this certain girl (I wouldn't call her my friend ~hehe!) was on her way to San Francisco for a vacation and it opened a topic about safety measures she should do for swine flu.

GIRL 1: Huy ingat ka sa swine flu doon ha?
GIRL 2: Ano ba malayo kami dun.
GIRL 1: Haler, ang lapit kaya ng California sa Mexico. (My golly!)
GIRL 2: Sabi ng malayo kami dun. Sa SanFran ang punta namin (Hala!) Besides, di naman kami kakain ng baboy dun! (Nakupo!)

I kept on laughing while listening to my friend's story, BUT....
I am actually confused what SIV (Swine Influenza Virus) really means and how it all started.

But I am not that stupid just like the 2nd girl mentioned above. All I know that it's airborne and it is becoming a pandemic nowadays.

So to feed my mind, I researched about it and learned why it has becoming to be one of the global threats that we are experiencing now.

From what I have gathered,
... It was discovered as early as 1976 when a man from a military was diagnosed and eventually caused death.
... Swine flu outbreak started somewhere in Mexico during the 2008-2009 flu season.
... Swine flu is one of the many types of type A influenza virus, a respiratory disease found on pigs
... As of early records (2005), people who caught this type of influenza are the hog-raisers, and the people who have a first hand contact with pigs. There were 12 cases in the U.S. but none of those died.

Why WHO (World Health Organization) is so concerned about this outbreak is that they have recently discovered that its DNA mutated a new strain of virus. If this type of flu originally came from infected animal to human, now it has come to the point of getting an infection through human to human transmission.

In just a blink of an eye, scenes from the movie OUTBREAK came to my mind. (Remember EBOLA virus?)

Scary.

Now it is spreading rapidly across North America. From Mexico, the hardest hit area to Texas, California, New York, going to Europe and even Asia, no questions about why we should be doubly aware of what is around us.

To understand more of it, here are the signs and symptoms that one (or you) could have swine flu (Let's hope not.)

• Throat is starting to get sore.
• You feel like your coming down on a cold, cough, or flu.
• Diarrhea
• Dizziness, nausea, vomiting
• Loss of appetite
• Nasal congestion
• Or, if you have asthma, you feel like you'll get one without feeling feverish.

Also, according to medical records, most people who are infected are the ones with respiratory problems (I'm still looking for an explanation on this but I still haven't come up with one yet. Probably because swine flu is actually a respiratory illness for pigs).

This is the real deal.

There are no human vaccine for this illness so if ever you suspect that you or someone you know have one, either you go to the nearest medical center, have yourself checked and drink Tamiflu or prepare yourself to die heartlessly.

Of course, we would not let that happen right? So here are the things that we could do:

• Wash your hands thoroughly. You'll never know that even a smallest thing that you touch is already infected.
• Avoid public areas.
• If you cough, use a tissue and throw it immediately and disinfect.
• Stay home if you are sick. And isolate yourself.
  
• If you have any respiratory problems, wear a mask when you go out.

It's better to be prepared. Personally, I don't want this outbreak to ever reach in the Philippines.

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

These are the things I have learned today.

Career-wise, I had to wait more and be patient. My papers are almost done anyway.
For friendship, I just have to be grateful that they have the time to spend it with me.
To our so-called life, as much as we wanted to reach our goals at a certain time, problems will instead arise and we all get easily depressed but we have no other choice but to deal with it in order for us to become better.
And for the love thingie, no matter how much you wanted to give your time yet a partner can't give it to you, then you'd just have to understand and just look forward for that so-called perfect time.

Beggars can't really be choosers.
All you have to do is feel gratified.
In that way, you will know how blessed you are.

It's All About Priorities

While waiting honey to text me, I spent my time in a hospice near the Walled City of Intramuros. It is the same orphanage that I always visit every year to help the kids in my own way. For 10years, it has been my tradition that I try to pass to my son. In this way, he would fully understand how lucky he is to have a parent, to have someone who will raise him, who will give him what he needs, what he wants, whatever it takes.

Despite having a bad day (of waiting for nothing), I still had a very profound experience while inside the orphanage.

I came there at 3pm so technically speaking, I could not spend time with the kids so I talked to Sis. Elsa, one of the nuns and told me about this girl who just got hit-and-run just in front of the hospice. The nuns took care of her, bringing her to the hospital so she could survive.

My heart was shattered as she told me every piece of the detail of the little girl's demise.

This girl, whom I will call "Angel" is staying in a public hospital in Manila, fighting for her life, trying so hard to get back on her feet and be as normal as she can be.

I was told that she had undergone major surgeries in her head, ribs, kneecaps. Creating a picture of how she looked like during the accident is too much to handle.

She survived, thank heavens she did. The parents were informed and as it turned out, they are more impoverished than you could imagine.

And the real problem is this: All the surgeries, lab tests, medicines reached to a hefty sum of 750,000 pesos. She is, first and foremost, staying in a government-owned hospital. But is forced to stay longer in the hospital to pay every God-damn cent of what they got to save the life of Angel*. Once the family reach a certain percentage, along with apromissory note, then, she will be released.

The father is a cigarette vendor and Angel's mother is a housewife, who stays at home taking care of her younger siblings, who accepts laundry services just to make ends meet. I don't have to reitinerate this but they are what we call the URBAN POOR.

So how will they ever pay the bill and let her daughter live normally?

A sober thought once again came: Whatever happened to our government?

As a taxpayer, I often complain how big my tax being deducted from my salary. And I could not see anything that could improve the welfare of the Filipinos.

All I see are the on-going construction of highways, pedestrian bridges and train stations, reliving eco-tourism, saving dead rivers, making education more competitive and the like.

I am not saying that the above-mentioned are not worthy of our taxes... It's what we coined as ECONOMY EMPOWERMENT.
But what about health care?

I'm no longer updated with my country's current events like I always do but I've heard news of different campaigns regarding health care, which is good.

But what about the kind of situation where Angel and her family has now wherein a life is at stake and you have no means to pay the bills?

There are millions of Filipinos, thousands of companies who are paying their tax every year. Can't the government dole out for something unexpected like this?

Even if Angel's father has PhilHealth (which he doesn't have), or asking for charity in PCSO, it still would not suffice what they need in order to bring their daughter home.

All I'm saying is this: As much as I am proud to be a Filipino, it's too disappointing to say that our government should reassess their priorities. Sure, there are hundreds of issues that needs to be solved in this country, particularly graft and corruption. But would it make a difference if the goevrnment would just focus a little more for healthcare rather than putting it in one's pocket?

Philippines, in the first place, will not be called a country if not for the Filipinos living in it. It's the citizens who makes up a place to become a country. Then how come the government seem to neglect someone like Angel, whom evrybody calls THE FUTURE of our generation?

Just a thought.

A Little Effort Is All I Asked

People have a way of assuming that things will work out as they planned.
Sometimes, it really don't, like in my case today.

It's Friday, the last day of the week for most companies so I prepared early to go to Manila and meet a friend who needed my assistance for his job application.

Today is also my most awaited day since I will finally meet up with my honey, whom I haven't seen for more than a month. It has been four days since he came back from his hometown and this will be the first time I will see him again. I was very anxious to see him, most especially he'll be back home soon to spend his remaining days till he leaves the country.

It seems that he and I were not able to meet each others mind this time.

One thing is certain: I have only asked a little effort to confirm of our plan since we will be meeting up his friend for some drinks and the rest would be up to us.

I ended up waiting for 6 damn hours.

And now he just told me of his side, which I completely understood. He has a point anyway. Though not entirely.

But how about my thoughts? Is it such a crap for him not to give just a minute to hear it out?? My so-called honey heard it, that's for sure. But I think he was not able to comprehend.

And now it made me look like that I'm the villain here and I had to adjust to his way of thinking.

A little teeny tiny effort is all I asked.
And it's so hard for him to take it.

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

For two weeks, I have been doing a lot of waiting.

Waiting for honey to come back.
Waiting to see my honey again.. (yes, he's here 3days ago and I haven't seen him yet)
Waiting for my new schedule.
Waiting for my documents to come out.

Waiting to leave.
Waiting for the time I will get back on the game,
Waiting for the right moment,
Of everything.

I'm pretty pissed now.
But I have no other choice but to wait.

This is indeed the hardest part of someone's life.
Particularly me.

Counting Three

It's Saturday, April 18.
Tomorrow will be the 19th,
The next day would be the 20th...

Only three days left and it's the 21st!
I can't wait to see you honey!

(And you also have a lot of explaining to do!)
Nyahahaha!

Unspoken Words

Over the past four days, I have been exchanging e-mails with an ex-boyfriend from college whom I haven't spoken to in years. Unknowingly, he was one of the people who receives an e-Blogger alert whenever I publish entries in this blog. From a handful of the articles I've made for the past nine months, he would email me from time to time on his points of view about my thoughts.

It's not that I mind, but it was IRONIC.

The fact is, TWICE we got back, and twice we separated with different, yet HUGE issues. And neither of us were matured enough to talk sensibly before saying goodbye (Or was it just me?)

What makes it a cliche is that he seem friendly after all that happened. It should be since it happened eons ago.

Mind you, it's not that I expect him or want him to be mad at me. We're adults now. A gush of realization will always come in our lives that we will eventually learn to forgive and forget.

But then, there were just things left unsaid...

I'm so sorry to hear about your father's passing. I know how much you look up to him.

And I feel so sad about the way your relationship with her ended. I shouldn't be feeling guilty about it but partly, I was a part-trigger in your lives.

Also, I am deeply sorry for all the things I've done. For breaking your trust. It took me so many years to say this and never gotten a chance to tell you personally.

Yet I am happy to hear you're still focused with the sport you really love most. I'm happy our country won! Hooray Philippine football team! All because of you (and the whole team's effort, of course). Way to go COACH! Hehe!

I thank you also for being a friend after all these years. It is one of the things why I am so proud of you. Before we became lovers, we were really good friends. Despite of everything, we managed to keep the friendship, at least through e-mails.

So, thank you for building a great foundation with me. You may not be aware, but you are one of the few people I can count on without pretending of what my real emotion is. Thank you for reminding me of my odd behavior and for motivating me.

You know so darn well how proud person I am that you'll never catch saying all these crap. I know you're reading this, so take advantage of my flowery words before I change my mind. Just be thankful I had the courage and the insanity to spill it out. This is just once-in-a-lifetime thing. Savor it! Haha!

But seriously...
I wish nothing but happiness for you.

Why My Blood Is Boiling

As of this moment, my blood is really boiling and I could not help but to feel mad. And if you are in my shoes, I'm sure you'd feel the same way.

I woke up at 7am this morning with a slight hangover from last night's drinking with my new friends. I never really like the feeling but I have to move faster since I needed to finish a lot of errands before 3pm.

When I got to Manila, the traffic was endless everywhere and the weather is so humid, I feel sweaty all over. "Patience," I told myself. I need to follow my schedule for the day.

My goal is to call the people I need to talk to, furnish my documents and bring it in the Senate, meet my co-trainee, meet my dad and my son, meet Lot, talk to my processor, cancel my visa schedule, pay dues, attend a seminar, finish my medical (which I never get it done), update status, wait for Tom's processor, go to church, attend my suretyship seminar. IT WAS A REAL LOT! I have done most of it except for the two errands that would surely add my itinerary for later.

It was such a long day for me and I am too pooped to think.

When I got a call from Tom, with a song in the background and told me it was for me, I thought my physical drought faded.

I was wrong.

He sounded tipsy (it's nothing new) and told me that he's disappointed, stressing first the fact that i went out for drinks with my new friends whom i termed "chickboy Mar" and "bi-Hannah" up to the point that I don't update him with my schedule since Holy Week passed (in which I told him all my plans), my phone is in silent mode and sometimes miss his calls (but the fact is, my phone has been in silent mode eversince and I wasn't able to take his calls because I have been so busy since Monday. By the time I get home, that would be the only time we'll talk).

He told me that after four weeks of not being together, he doesn't know me at all, that I changed already.. blah blah.. And I wondered that it has only been three days since I started doing a lot of things. Three days and this is what I get.

And what pissed me more is that when he said that I never told him of my schedule (which is definitely untrue!) and that he would not tell his.

I'm so effin' tired today but I managed to put a smile on my face and be optimistic until this happened.

Now I find it so hard to sleep. I have been completely honest with him. And I always made a point of telling him every actions that I make eventhough it seems he never acknowledge it. There is nothing infuriating than being judged and criticized to things that you didn't do.

His timing is so perfect. He did a wonderful job in making my blood boil.

New Friends, Same Old Habit

Last Monday, I have made new friends from my PDOS seminar, Hannah (F&B) and Mar (Culinary)
They're ex-crews so to speak, although from different cruise ship until they were hired by UPL.

I like to mingle. Yes, I do.
And there is something about these two people that would make me grin and say, "Oh, they're more than okay."
For ex-crews that I have known, these two people are just a handful of the specie that I could say, very accommodating.

They tell you the dos and don'ts while onboard. The difference between life's reality while at sea and land.
I couldn't help but to think and think about how my chosen career would change me.
I could be far more worse than before, or become better.
Nobody knows til I get there.

But what I am so happy about is that, I made these two people my friends.
This is what is something nice about being in the same career. You get to know a lot of people. They may become your friends or enemies til your last breath. But why think of that while it's early right?

As long as you maintain your self-control, everything will be fine.
As long as you won't be too familiar with them, everything will turn out good.

This afternoon, I was not able to attend my environmental/marine law seminar (when I practically twist their arms in attending) because of my psychometric exam. And while I was halfway of my test, I saw Mar's smiling face giving me a sign that they'll wait for me to finish.

Turned out he'll be leaving on Thursday.

After, I left the room and whined about how horrible the exam was and they said:

TARA INONOM NA TAYO!

My lips haven't tasted a drop of alcohol for weeks (I was saving it until honey gets back.. but I could not help it). I let them tempt me as we head to Andria's, FD's tambayan.

There, they gave me tips on how will my environmental exam would go (they even gave me a leakage for that). I am so thankful!

Hours passed, we were still drinking and having a good time.

I wonder what we would be like after our surety agreement tomorrow...
Lookin' forward for tomorrow.

Glad I've met you guys!
See you tomorrow!
We'd surely rock the place again!
Hahaha!

The Ghost Who Re-appeared

I got a call today from an ex asking how am I doing.
And after long years of no communication, it got me off-guard.

Astounded, I asked what he wants.
"Nothing," he said. "I just want to say hello."

Wow...
Sarcartic as it may sound, it never occurred to me that he still knew my number.
To me, he was a ghost in my past.
A ghost who surprisingly gave me my most prized possession.
Ironic.

"I'm married now."
"So?"
"Wala naman, just to let you know."
"Oh please, I knew that long time ago."
"Really? How come?"
"I have my ways....," I said.

"Pero alam mo bang I'm going through an ordeal?"
"Kiber ko."
"Ang sungit mo talaga."
"I know. Tagal na."

"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For everything."
"Ano bey, tagal na nun no!"

"You're still my babe.."
"Ay, yan ang wag mong sasabihin sakin at sasapakin kita! Tenang to."
"Hahaha!"
"I'm sorry..."
"Yan.. yan ang gusto ko marinig sayo noong unang panahon pa. Kinakarma ka na siguro no?"
"Hahaha!"

"Why did you call me?"
"I just want to apologize nga. Ang kulit mo."
"Why now? Sana pinaabot mo na ng 10yrs bago ka nagsorry."

Silence.

"If I only knew...."
"You know, I don't have time for your crap. Nagsorry ka na and I'm accepting it. I think it's enough. My life wasn't that miserable when you left. Naka survive ako sa lahat ng kahihiyan."

Silence.

"Look, if your life is messed up now and you want me to help you pick up the pieces, wag mo na pangarapin dahil di ko gagawin un. Tama na ung ganito tayo na dedma lang."
"No chance?"
"None."
"Ligawan kita ulit."
"Gawin mo, tignan ko lang. At haler! Gawin mo pa akong kabit mo, mahiya ka naman!"
"Kaya nga nagpapa-annul eh."
"At may natitira ka pa palang kapal ng mukha na sabihin sa kin yan. Bastos ka talaga."
"Hahaha!"

"Pagod ako ngayon. I just came from the seminar so please wag mo muna ako bigyan ng sakit ng ulo."
"Kinukunsumi na naman ba kita?"
"As a matter of fact, yes."

"Can I talk to him?"
"No."

Then he raised his voice.

"I'm the dad!"
"Biologically, yes. But in the papers, no. Physically, no. At bakit ngayon humahabol ka? Di ka nya kilala ano ba."
"What the fuck is your problem Kaye?"
"Ikaw actually. You were out of our lives tapos susulpot ka ngayon."
"Kaya nga may word na BAWI."
"Wow, ngayon naisip mo yan. Pero noong naghihirap ako, asan ka? Ngayon kailangan mo ng masasandalan, babe mo na ulit ako at willing kang magpaka-ama. Ang swerte ko naman."

Silence.

I told him, "Wag mo ubusin ang respeto ko sayo. Pasalamat ka may tinitira pa ako."

Silence.

"I wish I could turn back the time."
"No regrets... It happened for a reason. Mission-mission lang yan."
"Babe, gusto ko talaga bumawi sa inyo."
"Wag na, sa pamilya mo na lang ikaw bumawi. Di ko kailangan yan. We're happy with our lives."
"May bf ka cguro kaya sinusungitan mo ko."
"Ta ka, nagumpisa ka na naman. Kung meron man, wala ka na dun. At kung wala man, sampal un sayo kasi kahit anong gawin mo, di kita babalikan."

The talk lasted for half an hour but it feels forever. I felt guilty with the sarcasms that blurted out from my mouth but I guess he deserved it.

I have forgiven whatever he's done for such a long time. However, I had to do it to push him away, or else, I'll be giving myself a real big headache.

There were so many happy (and bad) memories that we both shared and I can honestly say that he is the biggest chunk of my life. Everyday, I see his ghost in the image of my child and I eventually got used to it.

There was not an inch of hurt nor regret. Yet, I felt confused.
Maybe because he is the ghost of my past and then reappeared.

Erica... Ressurected from Beyond

I'm all prepared to hit my slumber. However, I cannot not let this night pass without writing something about my day.

It all started with attending an Easter vigil with the family and was able to spend quite a very good time with them. Gone are the holy days when I have to reflect on what I did for the past years. Gone are the days when I had to list down my resolutions for my own betterment.

I may have spent an hour of sleep then, head bowing involuntarily as I hear this Sunday's sermon. As much as I wanted to go home and sleep, seeing my little angel's face pasted with an innocent smile made me all jazzed up since I know he is enjoying much.

In the afternoon, I decided to meet up with my best friends Mishee and Reena for a coffee. Not seeing them for five days feels like a year to me. As always, we had a nice chat and was able to spend a very great time.

In one of those talks, we were able to open up the fact that I might be leaving soon. And for the very first time, there was not even an inch of jittery felt when we started talking about it. All I felt was a pure moxie and happiness.

And so I went home. While opening our gate, my dad and my son raced their way to open the door for me, so thrilled to see me like I've been gone for a year.

"What's wrong with the picture?", I asked myself.

Moreover, my honey called up with voice raspy (recovering from a very nasty throat infection), but thrilled and looking forward to come home in time for my visa appearance. He was so sweet and so many stories told like we haven't talked for weeks.

Again, "What's wrong with the picture?".

I was skeptical of what has been going on but I realized there is no need for that. Instead, I have to be thankful for everything that as happened. Not a single day today that I frowned nor shouted at someone.

My time has come again. I felt like Christ who has to suffer a lot of pain for the past weeks.. and months. Yet at the end of the day, will come out victorious, anticipating the brickbat of the challenging world called Life.

I feel so lighthearted and I could not find a perfect adjective to describe it. Only one thing is certain, I have re-learned the three most valuable things in life today... FAITH, HOPE and LOVE. Never lose it, never go without it.

So I felt like a new person. Rebirth, as what I would call.
I am ready to change the world.
And I will start it by changing me..

... Before I meet my demise today, I might as well stop this and sleep. I can hear my dad's latest pet/s (BEES!) somewhere lurking in this room and I don't want to ruin this special day by getting stung. Might as well close my windows now.

Until tomorrow!

Not so - NICE PRINTS

I just remembered. I need to write a complaint for this damn photography service that my best friend got for her wedding.

Mishee finally tied the knot on August last year. All of us were so damn happy about it. Everybody helped in the preparation (most especially I) to make this wonderful day a spectacular one.

Before anything else, we call ourselves CAM-WHORES because we love to take shots of every moment there is. Most of us brought cameras, smiling through the flashes for the glimpse of their wonderful day.

Not only that, she hired her cousin's colleague, Rudy Liwanag, who works for a daily broadsheet and TWO photographers from NICE PRINTS which she paid with her eyes closed. (Oh yes, it was expensive!)

Despite our willingness to take shots on her wedding day, of course, we're no professionals... Trust those TWO CLOWNS to do their job.

And months after, the newlyweds got the raw pictures from NICE PRINTS and she was DEVASTATED.

Scratch that.

SHE'S REALLY PISSED OFF!

So if I were to write a complaint letter and post it in a wedding forum, it should be like this. Only if bebeh would approve of it. (But hey, a lot of people will still read this anyhow!)


To the Management:

I am writing this letter to thank you for ruining my best friend's wedding. Weddings are supposedly a special day for two people in love. Not a game, nor an experimental thing.

After the sweet sales talk your marketing clowns did (which you under delivered), you have finally convinced my friend to get your reputable services on May 5, 2008.

It feels gratifying for Mishee to receive phone calls by your impersonal entity saying that the terms are to be paid on the dot or it will terminate the contract.

Well, I never knew that hiring such service = harassment.
Let me put in your hard shell that the business that you carry is supposed to be client-oriented.

On the wedding day itself, I felt crying, not for joy because my friend got hitched. Crying, because the photographers were supposed to be snappy from the church up to the last part of the reception. However, it was not being delivered. If I should have known, to make the details short, our friends and I should have volunteered for the job. That would make us few thousands richer, you know.

Another thing, a douchebag from your staff started to play the AVP, turned the lights off and all the guests felt so giddy to watch the love story unfold. Only to find out that this jerk left his station while your state-of-the-art equipments timely malfunctioned.

Let's see if you can imagine this: It was like, you are so thrilled to watch a horror film and is enjoying the gory details and at the height of its scene, all lights went out.

Well, that's how we all feel. Wonderful, isn't it?

Before I forget, you have told my friend of the very competitive package that you have in store for her. An AVP presentation (which sucks), prenup photos (slightly sucks but hey it was fun if not because of our rowdiness), wedding photos, of course (which DEFINITELY, ABSOLUTELY SUCK and you all know it!).

And who would forget the photos to be featured in your oh-so remarkable website?? To quote an oaf in your company, "the management has full discretion as to which photos we will post in the site."

Hmmm... Pretty rational. But that was not the idiot in Megamall told us.

To cover all the imbecility, you finally posted the wedding pictures two months ago.
YOU DARED! Good for you guys! I was astound!
And much to our excitement, we are changing our minds.

Kudos to your photographers, they are so competitive in using photoshops to eliminate the dust in your lens. Yes, you did eliminate the dusts but you certainly made the bride look like a model clay....

... Oh heavens, spare me of the pun! You made the bride look like a shining angel... The bridal gown is glowing. You forgot there's someone wearing it.

And you call it the ART OF DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY. *applause*

If not for Manila Bulletin's Rudy Liwanag, I could never imagine what the rest of the photographs would look like.

There are still more wicked feedback but I dare not to take it one by one or I'll make this longer.
These are just few of what happened on August 8, 2008...

Jeez... that's 8 months and 4 days to be exact. And still, you imbeciles still has not shown them the RAW copy of the video! What's that? Are you trying to give the hard copy on their 1st wedding anniversary?? Wow, so sweet! You'll be giving them a nice present that they would remember for a long time!

After your consistent ineffectiveness, I am very proud to say that of all photography services that I have encountered, you are the worst among them. I should give you a huge plaque to make you known.

And right now, I keep on thinking if I should give a benefit to your reasons but it just couldn't get the logic in my head as far as in my ASS.

Just so you know, I could say a lot of nice things about your company, since your business is carrying the name NICE PRINTS... but I'd be lying if I judge it from my friend's wedding.

Despite of all these, I apologize. I know I am talking like an idiot but I have to. Otherwise, you wouldn't understand me at all.

With your impotence, and without giving any reasonable explanations, much more, a plausible action to alleviate this issue, expect that we will find ways to put your NICE company down.


Sincerely Yours,
Erica Hernandez

Heading for My Easter Hunt

It's only been an hour when I finally decided to take a rest and next thing I knew, the alarm went off....

It's Sunday..
Easter Sunday.

As of the moment, my eyes are droopy but my mind is awake. This is probably because of the whole day of dvd marathon I had the moment I woke up yesterday. Yes, I am a self proclaimed couch potato in which I thoroughly enjoy.

Well... I have to face the consequences of idling. I have to get going and head to church for an Easter procession and mass with Aaron, dad and few of the Hernandezes.

I wonder if I fall asleep again while the priest is having a sermon.
I wonder which part of my body my aunts will pinch me just to wake me up.

Crazy!
Aaarrrgh!

Though the best part of this is we will all be celebrating today. No more reflections. A day of merry making. It feels like Christmas. After the mass, we will all join together for the hot chocolate and the "kakanin".

Oh, I almost forgot.. I will be attending an Easter Egg Hunt with my son. One thing that I haven't done in ages. One thing that I haven't shared a moment with my son for quite some time.

I can't wait!
I wonder how many easter eggs and miniature bunnies will Aaron and I be getting this year?
I hope we'll win. The last time I remember, we were in the second to the last place (at least).
I heard the prize is good this year. (A house and lot! Hahaaha!)

Gotta go!
Toodles!

Saved from the Word of God

This Lenten holiday must be one of the most insightful moment for me.

I'm sure all of you knew that life changes dramatically every time we make choices.

I always have a negative pattern in which I cannot get rid of it by myself, though I do try. So I make decisions that would somehow lead me to a right path, in becoming to be a better person.

So I looked from the last 5 years of my life up to the present and asked God what is the best thing to do in order for me to have a fresh start.

Repentance.

I easily forgive the people who have hurt me. But there is always this thing that I feel that even though I have sincerely forgiven them, there is always a tinge of conflict unresolved that I always stirred in my heart.

It is because of broken heartedness of what has done that we lose our sense of trust. A grudge will form but subsides eventually yet comes out when the pain of memory relives. We thought we have accepted the offense but seemingly, not.

From thereon, I start to identify and criticize the weakness of others. It honestly became one of my talents in which I have substantiated, was not great at all.

Always, when I pray at night, I ask forgiveness because I seek to cover my selfishness. I may have told people that the damage has been done and that I have forgiven them, but it's not really the true deal. I am creating a sin to myself which I cannot deny.

This is true. It happened to me then I am sure it happens to all of the people as well. And it makes me feel lost. Again, we may have forgiven others but do we forgive ourselves for whatever thoughts we have?

It was a big realization that came to me. No matter how deep the hurt was, we should always check our own motivation to see if we really desire to procure humility and trust in our own selves. Anyhow, by the time we reach the end of the line, only two questions will be asked by God:

Have you forgiven the people who have hurt you?
Have you forgiven yourself for not accepting their forgiveness?

I was in the crossroad between holding on to the pain and professing my faith until I have read the passages from Luke 16:19-31 and Luke 19:1-10.

This was a blessing for time is running out and death is stalking people around the world. I may or may not be one them in the next days to come but at least, I have been saved.

"Thank you for stopping from where I was. You came and you saved me. "

Tempted of the Stimulant Rush

Now is the dreaded day that I had to endure.
It's Good Friday, just an hour from midnight and I promised myself never to take any indulgence, as part of my yearly sacrifice during Lenten Season.

I woke up from a 5-min power nap (seems like I couldn't get a good nignt rest after all) and the first thing my eyes gazed upon is a pack of cigarettes laying quietly beside my computer. I can smell the coffee (with a tinge of hazelnut) aroma my father is preparing and I thought to myself, "I would love to have a cup of that while puffing smokes."

It seemed that he heard what my mind is saying. He took out a stick of my cigarette and lit it up. (He rarely smoke FYI). And asked me, "Gusto mo coffee?"

So I closed my eyes to resist temptation. But it never helped my cravings at all. My power of imagination is so overwhelming that I can almost sense the bittersweet taste of coffee and cigarettes.

I answered. "Yoko po 'pa. I'm taking a sabbatical."

Enduring Hedonism

In a matter of minutes, Good Friday is here and as a devout Christian (uhm.. not really, but.. yeah) during Lenten Season, I am obliged to give up my worldly indulgences to commemorate Christ's death and resurrection.

This year, I am supposed to spend it with relatives from my father's side and do the traditional "pabasa" and reflections but since my brother is sick, we have to attend to him first before anything else (I'm saved!)

So my father asked me what things will I renounce this Good Friday...
I thought it was easy but it is harder than I thought.

Fasting is not an option for me. If I do, I will lose a lot of weight and eventually get sick so I have to erase that part.

Abstinence. That's it.
I have to abstain all luxuries and pleasure even for just one day.

So, I began thinking frantically and segregate the necessary to the not-so-important ones.
For starters, I could not give up the use of internet since I make it a point that I update my blogs and the web is my window to reflections. It is becoming a necessity for me. The pleasure here are the games and chit chats. Well, I won't play games nor chat with friends. Just browse, I suppose.

No naps. Yeah, I take naps thrice in a day. Now that's an indulgence, not necessity. Guess I have to cut it at least just one for today.

No smoking. Oops, this is the hardest part of all. Without my usual nicotine feed, it would make me a cantankerous hag. For Pete's sake, how on earth will I ever survive this? I had to sleep and glutton myself out to survive the day. But I will try. Oh, not try... I'll do my best.

These are all I could ever think of since these three things are a big part of my routine. But I think it's a wise decision. Just by imagining what tomorrow would be gives me the creeps. So my choices must be really, really good.

Lowest of My Day

I just finished a phone call from the person whom I claim to be the love of my life.
And now, I am finding my way here to write something about what happened today.

It has always been a routine for me to check my phone the moment I wake up. Normally, it would be my loving friends Reena or Andrea, or "honey" who will send me text messages to greet me a nice morning that would paste a smile on my face.

Today was different.

I received a text from"honey" informing me of his visa schedule set on the 28th, followed by another text message that he'll be back in Manila on the 26th of this month.

HOW COULD THAT BE?????
Whatever happened to the "I will be back after Holy Week" part??

The people closest to my heart knew that I was set to leave on the 22nd, given that my visa will be approved. If it pushes through the way it's supposed to be, reality sucks, and we won't be able to see each other in another 10 months or so.

I sent him a text message:
"So is it have a good life na lang sa atin?"

I have already come into terms that we will not be able to be in the same ship, have different departure dates, different lives, different goals while pursuing our career. Him, in the Culinary Arts and I, in the front desk department.

It is so insensitive of him not to think of what will happen in the next days and weeks to come. But somehow, I gave way for a benefit to his reasons I always knew. I find it silly and immature but I had to accept it even if my used-to-be healthy heart suddenly turned into a terrible shape.

He said:
"Tell me what to do and what you plan to do. I'm unfair di ba?"

I told him to go through his plan and he should not worry about me. Anyway, he knew what to do in his life better than anyone else.

I said, "I'll be fine".
But is it really???

I let it all hang out the fact that I never want to talk about it and let things be.

Now I'm pouring my heart out in this entry. He knew that evading the topic means I'm angry. Unbeknown to him, it hurts so much. I only have two options: Utter every statement with sarcasm or keep myself mum. I did both today but I chose to take the silence from hereon.

LESSONS LEARNED:
Never expect any person to move mountains for you.
But expect that any person will eventually let you down.
The one you love, most especially.

Things I Have Learned for Nine Months

I was browsing my past entries on my blog few hours ago. I have seen my grammar lapses, misspelled words, redundancy (those are just typo ~haha!) and a variety of emotions... and insanity that I am capable of.

Then I noticed, only 3 days to go and I will be celebrating my 9th month in the world of blogspot. After less than 50 published entries and a handful of comments (19 to be exact), I have realized the things I have learned from blogging, from life, from myself.

1. The computer-age is making my life easier. I was 10 years old when I started writing a journal (Thanks to my mom who taught me so I could keep track of my English grammar), in which I could store in my thoughts, daily activities, schedules, dreams, moments, etc. I remember pouring my heart out in a notebook, jotting down all the things that I want to say and then agonizing why my hand hurts so bad. Now, it's just one-click away!

2. Bloggers are the NUMBER 1 critics and are passionate in creative writing. I noticed (from myself and the others whom I viewed) that these people (haha, including me) writes with passion even if they are trying to insinuate a very simple statement:

For example, the entry would be like this: I gazed upon a dainty tyke gorging on a bone. In layman's term: I SAW A CUTE DOG CHEWING A BONE. Fascinating!

But when they criticize, Oh man! Expect a lot of cussin' and swearin' from them. Most especially when they had a bad day.

3. You make new friends. Nine months ago, I started this blog for the purpose of writing (err... typing) my thoughts away, not caring about who will read it and what would their reactions be. But when somebody from another part of the world makes a comment, it makes you feel you're being empathized. And then vice-versa.

4. Blogging = COMMUNICATION. Contrary to my #1 on my list, blogging is not only a cyber-journal but also a means of communication. Eversince I started blogging away, I have received praises, questions and criticisms on my email (next time, leave on my comment box please) from people on different walks of life and of different culture communicating over topics of common interest (and their rebuttals as well).

5. Blogging helps me more disciplined. I noticed that for nine months, I became more sensible to the people around me. Reading and writing blogs is a milestone. Since I learned to empathize more on people's thoughts, I tend to act more humane and forget about the fierce side of my personality.

I still have a lot of things learned from doing this but I think I need to park this entry for now. Adding #6 on my list is, BLOGGING KEEPS YOU AWAKE AND WILL ALWAYS THINK OF SOMETHING MORE TO WRITE ABOUT... Which is what I will be doing now.

More to come from this one.

A Moment of Distress

I should have seen it coming...

There was a hint of melancholy when Papa came home tonight. Part apathy, part tipsy, he just blurted out the things he has been keeping for weeks, months, or maybe even years.

I was screaming in frustration the moment he smattered that her darling princess is so good in giving disappointments in the family.

BOLLOCKS. Completely bollocks.

True, I have been a big headache to a funny and supportive family that I belong to. I was ostracized by everybody particularly because of my odd behavior and my passion to live free.

But it was ages ago.

Immaturity paved its way out of my system. I was able to get the chance to correct my life according to my values, goals and what they expect me to be.

And what happened just takes my trust away a little.

I was hoping he'd quickly explain why he said it after all this time but I never received one. I have always believed that my father and I don't keep secrets to each other since I was a kid. It was only him in the family who I can speak about my thoughts and my feelings. It is my father who I can depend on and the only one who can defend me to the people who put me down.

For the first time in my life, I was being judged by the person I look up to. Meanwhile, I have been thinking of what's worse than that, and I couldn't come up with one.

So I asked myself, "What should I do to show them how much I changed"?
Should I enumerate all the wrong doings that I ever did in my existence?

Should I let this pass and think that you just have a short temper tonight?
Should I just welcome the truth that his logic makes sense?
Or should I cry my heart out and accept the fact that maybe, I still am the same old brat that he reared for 28 years.

Despite apologies have been said, I still am, hurt. There is nothing that could alleviate what I am feeling right now. The damage has been done and I honestly don't know until when will I be in a state of doldrums.

Meanwhile, I am clearing my head and my heart by trying to divert myself in doing something silly. Because the fact is, it is excruciating.

Pushing Goals With Precariousness

Lately, I spent far too much time contemplating on my life.
I am of course, admitting, that most of my real-life dramas are in fact, self-made. Years of reflection and soul-searching turned positive in some of the aspects in my life, yet today, I found out that there will always be an event that will happen beyond my control, my expectation.

It is I who made my fate.
Or,
Is it fate who made me?

However, I find the series of unexpected events beyond my comprehension despite that I always anticipate it. I always knew life is full of unpredictability so one might as well go with the flow.

My prayers have been answered, yet i grieve in ways I never knew imaginable. At first, I somehow felt loss for a lot of things. Energy was low, life was far from normal.

But I am, no doubt, BLESSED.

For the next few days, I will be beyond exhaustion.
I will be operating on adrenalin, fear and the uncertainties of reality.

I don't have any idea if this will work out the way I expected it to be.
It's no secret around my network about the goals I am reaching. And if it fails, I will take another road to travel.
But trust me, I will never let the worse happen.

Meanwhile, I will be watching myself closely and find my own ways of coping it.

Just Another Ordinary.. yet, Extraordinary Day

Today I had go to Manila to get all my errands done.
But of course, my day in Manila will not be complete if I won't have my usual afternoon coffee with my favorite girls.

So I head to our "tambayan" for our usual chit-chats and laugh trip just about anything that our minds can pull through.

After weeks of not seeing Lot, Reena and Sharon, I miss them.
Hmmm.. Except for Andrea who I went out with last weekend and end up getting so F*$#@! wasted. (but don't worry beh, I miss you too but not as much as I missed them!)

... And after weeks of not having my iced latte in Starbucks, I sure do crave for one!

For the first time, I looked at them today with so much awe. There was never a time that I got bored nor irritated in one of our coffee dates. There were crying sessions, laughing time, GERA moments all in one place that made our life look like a telenovela that came to life.

Time flies fast. It has been two years since we started this "group" with our fellow retards and I was amazed by how we kept up with the routine of meeting each other in one place, talk about issues, thoughts, business, plans, nonsensical things -- everything under the sun, while sipping our lattes and puffing cigarettes with all our might.

Yes, two years went by.. Other friends came and went. It's like being a SPARTAN is survival of the fittest.

"Watch my back, and I'll watch yours, Screw any of us up, and you'll get what's yours".

There were a lot of topics discussed today. Different point of views were being laid out.
"My friends are amazing. So flexible", I told myself.

And I wonder... Until when will we do this?
I hope it won't end till our hair turns gray.

As we kissed goodbye to each other, "This is a fun-filled day. Until next kape-kape", I said.

These are SPARTANS...
These are my friends...
These are the people who makes an ordinary day... extraordinary.


P.S.

I wish Nhel, Kat, Joyce and Lana will come with us soon...
The more, the merrier!