I Need To Relax!

What if a trusted person would lie to you about one big thing that it entirely changed the outcome of your future? What if, this trusted person would sell you and make your life so miserable? So complicated?

Reality bites. It sucks.. And you're absolutely at it.
Even if you pop a tranquilizer, or take large doses of Tramadol to make you numb, it still won't make any difference. It still would not bring you to a peaceful sleep.


Stressful.

I need a beer,
Loud music..
A chocolate,
.. and all of my happy friends!

I need to relax, clear my head,
... be happy.

I might as well do that this evening.
And I will definitely have fun!

The Road To Home

"I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost

Oftentimes, people take a certain path of life with no turning back. And yet, people wonder how would their life be if they took the usual course.

As a traveler of life, I have climbed up huge rocks that crossed my way. I have also stumbled through a pile of tiny pebbles because I don't give a time to take notice. I have crossed stormy seas, and even fell from the mighty skies. I did it all, had all, felt all. All because of the two lonely roads in front of me, waiting to be strolled along.

I did it again but this time, it's far far different from the outcome I am so used of getting.
I was lost in a dark trodden path, yet I have found my way home.

Home, in the arms of my family, long lost friends
Home, in the arms of my life's passion, of love and serenity.
Home, that gives warmth to my soul.

I've never been happier after months of self-loathing and despise I have gone through the past months.

And I wonder, if I could have gone through the easy path which I know I'll be safe, would I be this grateful?

I don't think so.

When Something Wrong Feels So Right

I did something wrong but it feels so right. And I have only one person that I could ever confide in to. I know I should repress it. But the puzzle just can't seem to fit into its right place. So the only thing I could ever do is to seize the day, hope for the best and not think of the worst case scenario. Anyway, people make bad choices. It is from them we learn how NOT to deal with it the second time it happens.

This is something new for me. I guess it's the thrill that I cannot resist. The fact that you know it's a huge mistake but you still go for it without thinking of the consequences.

I am such a crazy person to get into this "future mess", but hey, we only live once. I might as well experience this and collect all my misfits in a box and save it as a "wisdom speech" for later.

Until when I can hold on to this, I don't know. But for now, I have to go through it with high hopes that things will be better.. in time. After all, bad decisions are not so bad if you are happy. Just never have regrets.

A Batch Reunited

I told myself not to bridge the gaps of a school I once attended. Part bitterness, part hatred, part disgust. Yet I did. It was one of the best decisions I have made lately.

To make this post with sense, I have moved out of town from where I grew up. Left the traces of my childhood and cut personal ties with childhood friends (though I still keep in touch using facebook, etc...), I somehow felt alienated with the fact that I will be surrounded with people who, in every year that passed, plans a big get-together for all batch mates. I was not intimidated either. But the thought of being stared at and being whispered on with people whom I do not even chummy with is what irks me. That's what happens to a lot of reunion as far as I know.

What I thought would be a quiet night of catching up with long lost friends ended up a night of reacquainting boisterously with people whom I am not even close with. Let's face it. My greatest hobby was to collect Catholic uniforms from all places. The friends I keep are just a handful from each batch I attended. After 14 years of not seeing most of them, I was, surprisingly, up and about, catching up with everyone and vice versa. Even to those whom I just got their first names recently. But to make it clear, I was never a nobody in all schools I have been to. But I was certainly not a snob. I just tend to be picky with people whom I would like to trust a part of my life then the rest will be mere acquaintances. I underestimated my expectations.

Seeing ourselves getting wasted came to a point of realization that things hasn't changed in most aspects to people whom you have spent your teenage life with. Laughter will always be there. The grave teasing, embarrassing situations and "hot-seats" will never fade. Yet it changed as well. Some, for the better, some stagnant, but never worst. *at least for us*

Going down memory lane feels so refreshing. My once shattered piece from this year's hardship suddenly became whole again. So now I could say, this is a start of a new life after renewing friendships and moments of reflection between who I was to who I am now.

What's best is I gained and regained more friends whom I can share bits and pieces to remember. I, once again, opened another chapter that I will truly cherish throughout my span.

What Was Then.. And This Is Now

My little boy is not so little anymore. And, while I'm completely happy and satisfied with the way he should be (despite spontaneous angst), I get pretty amazed that right under my nose... Time flies so fast.

It seems only yesterday when I got hit with a truckload of guilt and remorse. I remember the time when he was at the height of dependency, I used to go out partying with friends, rather than taking care of him myself. And when he craves for my attention, I get really angry and tell him to go to sleep or watch Blues Clues on TV.


As anyone could probably guess, yes, I used to be an insensitive, irresponsible mother.

But all is forgotten. I've honestly thought of myself as a changed person.
I was able to reach a breaking point that my personal identity was not lost just because I bore a child.


Although there were (realistically) times that I still holler at him for disturbing whatever multi-tasking I'm doing. Or hitting a high stress-level for not following my instructions. I get so ballistic whenever he points out that he doesn't want me to be working here or there and express disdain whenever I had to sacrifice my time to work than be with him. All sort of negativity would pop right into my head because I thought that I have been given things more than I could handle.

Hmmm.. I guess it's just a phase every single mother gets at times.

As I change my views and perspectives. I realized that my son is my most important chore. That whatever I do, it was all for him. I now find comfort of coming home, knowing that when I wake up the next morning, he'll rush to my side just to show his unconditional affection to his once-irresponsible mom. I find joy whenever he goes to school, he'll utter the words "I'll miss you while I'm at school".

My life is changing dramatically these days just because of the simple things a child can do that touches the heart of a mother.

What all happened was then..
But this is now.
Although I should have learned this a long long long time ago.

On a brighter side, there is never too late for anything. We can always fill the gaps and become a better person, a better mother. It's also a good thing that my son turned out the best.