Introspective of a Scattered Mind

A Beautiful Prayer

2011-12-12T01:51:00.000+08:00

Here's something that I read tonight. I hope you will find this inspirational as I thought it is. Something to ponder on:

A BEAUTIFUL PRAYER

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.

His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.

I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

May God Bless You,
"To the world you might be one person, but to one
person you just might be the world"

"Even the word 'IMPOSSIBLE' says 'IM POSSIBLE' "

Submitted by Satya Mehta

You may visit this link:

http://www.indianchild.com

For a brief dose of daily inspiration, I suggest you to check this out.

If I Had To Raise My Child All Over Again

2011-12-11T04:03:00.000+08:00

Christmas is drawing near. As each day passes, so is my longing for everything I have left in Manila. Symptoms of homesickness is so apparent that I had to write to get it over and done.

I am missing my son terribly. Most especially at this time of year.

The repetitive speech "Mom, can you buy this one?"

His tantrums, "I won't eat until you buy me this one!"

His pleas, "Mom, I promise to be good if you buy me this one."

And most especially his bargaining skills, "Mommy, this is very cheap. Buy this one for me!"

For 8 years, Christmas shopping is always one of our highlights as a mother and son and I could not help but to stare into a distance, wishing I was home.

Nostalgia was put on hold when I suddenly realized the things I did and didn't do as a mother. And now, if I could've been a cooler mom rather than being authoritative, I could've spared Aaron from all the childhood heartaches I have caused him.

This poem perfectly construed of who I was as a mom back home.

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

by Diane Loomans

I'm sure if someone reads this would ask me if I have regretted the things I did. I'd say, ABSOLUTELY YES. But it's not too late to change. Pretty soon, he will be with me and I will get to spend my next Christmas with him. I'd be a nifty parent, guaranteed.

But for now, I need to do what I need to do.

Pitiful. Pathetic. Dismay

2011-10-01T20:11:00.000+08:00

Social media has truly a great power to bring people together. As long as there's internet, you will get to see a glimpse of what is happening from far corners of the world.

But the dominance of information technology has driven me to innumerable questions whether this is something that we should gain nor channel negative influences on us.

Take this topic for example:

While browsing my feeds in a popular social media site, I stumbled upon a disturbing picture, which I am afraid would give me nightmares tonight. A picture of a young girl, roasted like a pig.


An Asian girl roasted like a pig

If this is true, my sympathies to the girl. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. I'm sure her parents had never let this person get scratches and burns when she was alive. Hence, I'm positive her parents had taken care of her so well, almost being treated like a little princess.

Yet looking carefully of the pictures, this person is impossibly be dead. With pink skin and a nice make-up, this girl mustn't be. She shouldn't be. Peering closely, there seems to be a lever that seems to be her balance while having this picture taken and a fire that appears to be PS'd. No burns at all, no deterioration, none at all.

Whether my hunch is correct or not, who in his sane mind would have this picture taken and post it in the web? What good would it do for the girl or the one who had taken this image if this is being circulated? Is it for a 15-minute attention? Is it for satisfaction? Or a premeditated carnage? Worse, is it truly a crime? Anything is possible.

What kind of viewers is this picture targeting? Definitely not digital photography as I don't see an inch of art in it.

What kind of influence does it give to people? Does it give us an awareness of the possible outcome anyone of us might get, if unlucky?

You be the judge.
As for me.. it's insanely gore. Disgusting.

Keen Rubbishness

2011-05-24T23:10:00.000+08:00

I'm wondering if my reasoning are plain ineffectual as of this time.
Complicated, yes.
Pieces and feats seem to clutch this so-called life,
Just as when I'm about to sleep.

There's one thing I can say though.
Thinking deep thoughts with a shallow mind could be very hard.

Guess it's time to count a thousand lambs, dogs or whatever. Backwards.
Wish me luck.

Erica Gives Thanks

2011-05-23T10:25:00.000+08:00

Here I am, 5 months after my last entry in this blog.

Change is inevitable in my life and I daresay, that, no matter the rewards and consequences I receive, I still end up filled with determination in surpassing the uncertainties of my existence.

For starters, the year 2011 has made me change a totally unlikely career path, reunited with friends, met new people, acted upon my ways and decided what's good for my future. I have experienced happiness, overcame sadness, entered the eye of a needle and had me asking for more.

With every bantam moments I have created, be it trivial or significant, each is worth to give thanks for.
I call it life's little blessings, nonetheless.

And even though it may seem that I keep on commencing and concluding chapters of my life in an impetuous fashion, there is a censure well-taught behind. A lesson that I will always carry through my journey.

So I give thanks to my family who unfailingly loves and supports me
Aaron, for backing me up in everything I do.
My friends who has never forgotten me.
For the new ones who accepted me in their clique.
For the job that is making me so stressed yet fulfilling.
For the air I breathe,
And the food I eat.
For a shelter I would always call HOME.
Thank you for the life full of imperfections,
Without these, there wouldn't be ME.

I Know...

2010-12-11T00:56:00.000+08:00

I'd like you to know more than anything else, that I have thought of you every single day for quite some time now.. I've been fighting back to send you a message or give you a call whenever I have the urge to connect with you. I have to be honest, I am truly resisting myself off the memories of everything we've had gone through.

But it just couldn't be helped.

I have a lot of "I Know's," when it comes to you, to which some of it are:

- I know you go through your daily life without thinking of me.
- I know you feel awkward with me. Most especially the part where common friends try to tease if we're back again.
- I know that I'm the last person in the planet you'll ever look for.
- I know that you are on your own, happily living your life.
- I know you have forgotten a lot of things that we have had.
- I know that when I will try to catch your attention, you'll turn me down.

.. all of these, still hurts me more than before.

And most of all, I know that whenever I need you, you will no longer be there.

The longing is still here. And I just wish I could take everything back.
But I'm already half a decade late.

So cheers to my angst and my solitude.
And to this letter which I can never ever send.

I Miss These Boys Too

2010-12-06T23:36:00.000+08:00

When Uanih 동생 left POMIC and I was ~~exaggeratedly~~ left alone, I still continue to be updated of the things she has influenced me: SUPER JUNIOR.

But as weeks went by, I seem to set our boys aside, most especially after failing to reserve tickets for the Super Show 3 concert next year.

Of course, ~~I am also blaming my work loads~~ on why I deliberately forgotten them.

But truthfully, I kinda miss the late nights watching SuJu and reading their articles courtesy of http://sup3rjunior.wordpress.com, (check this out!) one of the best sites created for these charming lads.

Despite of the tired body that I'm having, at least I got to browse some of the articles and pictures...

CREDITS TO THE OWNER.

Courtesy of http://sup3rjunior.wordpress.com

Now this is something to look forward to.
Getting updated has to be done this weekend.

I Miss You

2010-12-06T23:05:00.001+08:00

Need to say more???

Thought so.

The Fear I Will Never.. Ever.. Overcome

2010-12-06T22:51:00.000+08:00

Only few people know that I have a phobia of heights.

Sure, I have jumped a cliff for leisure, even 6 meters (or is it feet?) above the ground for my survival class. I tried roller coasters, climbed mountains and took zip lines which I have to see the overlooking view of the area. People think I am the adventurous type, trying out risky challenges but really, only a handful knows how scared to death I am.

Today, reality bitch-slapped me when I have come face to face with my fear.

I woke up so early this morning to attend NEO for work in HP Taguig site. I told myself a hundred times that I don't want to experience another rush hour most especially when I commute from Marilao to the city. I left at 6:30 A.M. but, in the end, I failed to hail a cab at the usual place I get one.

So what's the next best thing?

I decided to commute by subway (LRT) going to Edsa and that is where I decided to catch a taxicab. When I got there after an hour of dreadfully dragging myself in the midst of a crowded train, I still failed.

It was scorching today in the city but I had to move my ass faster not to be late. I got the last option: Climb up the overpass to get to the next lane, take a bus, a jeepney or whatever to reach McKinley in time.

My feet were heavy like there were numerous chains on but I did not have much of a choice so I headed. I took my first, second, third step, "Hmmm, seems manageable." I continued to trod until I had a glimpsed underneath and saw the freeway with cars and buses and trucks running like there's no tomorrow and the foot bridge just started trembling.

I was already at the flight of the stairs and came to my senses that the bridge wasn't like the ones I used to walk on when I was a child. This was my first time to take a flight in this kind of bridge. It is made of metal and every time I take a step, a gentle but eerie thud is all I can hear.To top it all of, the steps doesn't have support, and one stupid slip could make your bones break or even meet your end.

As you can guess, my knees started to get weak and couldn't make myself take another step.
I stopped right in the middle and felt nauseous.
But I had to do it.
And so I did.

So when I finally hailed a cab, my knees were still shaking, I silently thank God for keeping me safe.
I gave myself a million-dollar worth of relief for facing my fear.

Then again, it doesn't really mean I have overcome it.
Again, lessons learned. Never to use foot bridges again. Even MRT in Shaw Blvd station
Or I'll die of panic attack.

Battling the Toughest Questions I've Ever Had

2010-11-25T23:52:00.000+08:00

Questions on life are actually easy to answer as long as you think about morality. And it's a fail-proof to answer I DON'T KNOW once in a while. But when somebody asked me these life's questions, my tongue was tied and and nothing really went inside my head.

Try asking yourself these thought-provoking questions:

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Why are you, you?
What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?
Are you putting any parts of you on-hold? Why?
What’s the biggest step you can take now that will create the biggest result?
Why do you exist? What is your mission?

Have you given yourself an answer to these?

Future Regrets

2010-11-22T01:48:00.001+08:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do"
- Mark Twain

Let's hope not.
Not for me. Not for you, nor anyone else.

Suicide Issue in South Korea

2010-11-21T00:17:00.000+08:00

Apropos of my entry earlier, I have wondered about Suicide in Korea:

My forbearance emerges whenever I hear something like this, much more when I find out that a friend did it.

My awareness on suicide heightened when I started teaching Koreans since it is one of the argument that you have to be careful of. From the time of, I started researching about it and was enlightened that South Korea is indeed one of the top countries with the highest suicide rate with 20-30 cases per day. I've been wanting to talk to my young students about it, but can't until I started handling professionals. Just then, I talked freely about it.

My students have told me that there are umpteenth of reasons why a Korean commits suicide. For teenagers, pressures on achieving excellence in their studies has climbed the top. But for adults, the list goes on and on including financial, depression, family, life's purpose and scandals.

Famous Korean topnotch were not spared. Celebrities and even the former president of South Korea himself engaged in such tragedy. It's a pity. Because these people has just shown us that no matter how exuberant they are, they still couldn't keep their inner lives appeased.

*credits to the owner of the photo*

One of my students who is a statistician for the Korean non-government organization has once told me that South Korea proemial its globalization, was a less controversial country when it comes to suicide. "People were simpler then," I remember her telling me. But because of the surprising improvement in the development of Korean industry, Koreans, in her opinion, became more discontented in their lifestyle. They are more driven to achieve more, gain more without caring for their inner self, until they realize they took something or someone for granted, slumped into the pedestal then decide for self-annihilation.

For some, they were bombarded with misfortune that they renounced their will to live. Few have terminated their lives because of the malicious rumors circulated, like what usually happens for Korean celebrities.

And the crazy ones? I don't know if you have heard the news but there were lots of cases that people just do it because someone famous did it. Completely atrocious. Such a travesty.

Korea offers psychiatric help both public and private since the increase of suicidal rate in the midst of modernization. But only a fraction patronize these as they have an enormous pride in admitting their depression and stress. Most of them would say that partaking mental treatments would make them crazy in the eyes of a narcissistic society.

I perfectly understand the reason why people, Koreans for that matter to commit suicide. I've seen and talked to Koreans when it comes to life's tribulations and it's so overwhelming. More overwhelming than the problems we Filipinos face day by day. But I am keeping my fingers crossed that such things will be at least kept in minimal or best, none at all.

Life can be very fruitful when turmoils come. It makes you a better and stronger person if you're up for the challenge rather than face a horrible demise.

Fact is, suicide never really solved any problem. It creates more problems like what is happening in Korea now.

You'll be missed Man Suk!

2010-11-20T21:15:00.000+08:00

I could say that life in IWP won't be complete without Ha Man Suk.
Tom, as what we call him was one of the life inside **"Hell on the 18th Floor" during those times.
(My special nickname for IWP when I'm pissed.)

I still remember his first day of work quite vividly. Tom was wearing a business suit one morning, talking to Mr. Kent. He doesn't look friendly and made an impression on us teachers that he's not easy to deal with. That was the time when we had our photo and video shoot and I was goofing in front of the camera and when he stubbornly caught my attention.

The guy who was in-charge of our conflict of schedules eventually became my friend and Hangul teacher.

While some of the teachers were really annoyed at his antics, he and I got to know each other most especially in our "yosi" breaks. I was fortunate to learn Tom's life and sacrifices.

Tom trying on a brassiere

For starters, the time when he was my colleague, he attended English classes, in which he's very careful of it because Mrs. Kim (our vice-president and wife of IWP owner) goes in that same academy. He taught Math in an academy for Koreans studying here in the Philippines before he goes to work at IWP. He also told me (and everybody) how much he wanted a Filipina for a wife in which we kept discouraging him. (lol!)

Aside from it, Tom was a devout Christian who spends his free time reading the Bible. Every time we talk, he never fails to share the goodness of the Word of God.

Yet despite the enormity of his Christian faith, Tom was one hell of a crazy guy. As I have said, teachers were really ticked off by his antics. When he jokes around, expect that you'll get hurt. But that's just him, I told some. It's part of Ha Man Suk's weird package. I've tolerated those moments such as when he pushes me in the corridor or deliberately take of his shoes for me to smell his pungent feet.

Tom is always up for challenge. Try giving him a dare and he'll do it. The most unforgettable were the times when he tried on my high heels and strutted in the ground floor, eventually breaking it (thank you anyway for the 500 bucks), the lipstick incident in which he had to wear it for the first half of the shift.

His idea of being funny was way harsh that most people disagree on. When Tom starts acting mental and he gets a ferocious tumult from my co-teachers, expect that he'll quickly turn his back like nothing has happened. Despite the things he did to us all, he's such a good sport and knows how to accept defeat. I remember one time when we saw his graduation photo placed neatly in a frame. We then decided to make an awful prank (half revenge) by putting candles and flowers and candies in front of it. We lit the candle and waited for him to enter his office. When he saw it, he just laughed and pretended to be angry. Then I got a huge blow in the back after that.

I had a moment with him on my last day with IWP and he took me to 711 nearby before we ended work. He bought me ice cream (which he often buys for us), a pack of cigarette, lighter, candies, and would you believe... a condom as souvenirs (Really, you have a weird humor. But it was a laugh)! While smoking, we talked about plans and our sentiments on our work then wished ourselves good lucks.

It wasn't the last time that I saw him. I've seen him during my quick visits to IWP but there were no talks like we used to have. I have heard stories, his love life, his new career in Cebu (which I think he enjoys since he didn't like Sharon's job offer for him at HP) and that he's very happy with his life.

Then today, when I opened my Facebook, I was very surprised to find out he's gone. According to the news from my former co-teachers, he went back to South Korea couple of months ago and then took his own life.

Unbelievable.

It's remorseful for such a good man to smother himself. The person I have always known was someone who has already straightened out his purpose in life, a responsible lad, a good motivator, a funny yet weird guy and a man who has great faith has relinquished the desires of life. Whatever that made him decide to face his demise, must be something really atrocious.

Anguish predominates everyone from IWP family.
But wherever you are now Tom, you'll always be a friend to me. To us.

내 친구가

, Rest in peace.

You will always be remembered.

선생님을 내 주셔서 감사합니다 당신을 너무.

Two Korean Guys

2010-11-17T23:02:00.000+08:00

I came across with another set of pictures and here's what I got:

Michael, the I.T. Guy

Lucky, the Marketing Lad

These two guys practically begged me not to post these pictures in Facebook. But since I don't teach anymore (and this is not Facebook,) I got the courage to post this for my (and yours too!) viewing pleasure.

But the bottom line of this entry is that I have come to a point of realization that I also miss these two clowns, my two 동생, who became the substitute for Super Junior, who always make me smile whenever I feel so stressed while developing a curriculum, giving me chocolates, pulling me out of my chair for yosi breaks and striking casual talks.

Miss you guys! Now don't beat me up when I drop by in the office!

Sweet Reverie

2010-11-16T22:07:00.000+08:00

Thoughts of you were racing through my head this morning.

Seeing you in my dreams last night, I have again remembered the things we've said to each other from the day we met. Memories surfaced in my consciousness as if it was yesterday.

Your outstretched hand and the smile that you always wear is all I saw when you sat beside me. No talks. Just enjoying the peace and calming milieu that surrounded us. You nod your head, then looked at the sky and put your hand in my head like you always do. At that moment, everything was unbelievable. You seem so real.

I felt good. It's the feeling that you get when you have seen a person who you've been longing to see.

Then again, reality struck hard and despondency emerged. I knew it just as soon as I opened my eyes and saw the faint speck of daylight rising through me. You left me frazzled and speechless.

I don't know why you were in my dreams --
Or what kind of message would you want to give me.
But I am very thankful that I saw you again, so alive. So full of peace.

Last night when I dreamt of you, it was so surreal. It felt good and I thank you for that.
And if by chance that you'll visit me again, please talk to me.
I would love to listen to the sound of your voice and hear your stories from another world.

Would Do Anything for SS3 Tickets

2010-11-15T21:32:00.000+08:00

I hurt my fingers yesterday.

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

I've dialed one number for full FOUR and a HALF HOURS and I only got the MOST AGGRAVATING busy tone I have ever heard.
Three mobile phones and one land line did not help me and my friends get ticket reservations for SuJu's concert here in Manila.

Imagine my disappointment, the angst and exasperation that I have felt
My excitement just went down the drains when I can't have the seats that I want.

It's crazy, I know.
Mid-aged girl/s going gaga over some young guys who can't even speak straight English.
Koreans who I have learned to love and hate at the same time.

Then again, I just couldn't help it.
They're just too charming to be ignored.

I really want the SVIP/VVIP/VIP tickets. From the stage layout, I could see my 여보 sweat! :)
That's where I want to be.

I'm begging you guys!!!
Help me out here!!!
Willing to walk in flames, eat live chicken.. Anything you say!

Embracing 30

2010-11-13T04:33:00.000+08:00

It's a completely lustrous day and nobody could wipe the grin pasted on my face

I have fully entered "THE" mainstream and despite the fact that I spent my entire day at work, I'm deeply elated.

At one point in time, I gave myself a thought: What is it like to be in thirties?

Then I staggered upon the changes that I will sustain in the next decade. It's too soon to foresee since I was just in my late twenties a day ago. But for the next 10 years that I will defy, I have set out a mark against the bigwigs and conundrums life will throw at me.

I am completely perplexed about my fate yet the impending frontier gives me an outright doldrums. My memoir is enough to enliven my perspectives.

Super Show 3 in Manila is On!!!

2010-11-09T19:39:00.006+08:00

My hands are so numb and cold right after I read Uanih's text message:

I just received the ticket price of SS3 in Manila which makes me want to go to the nearest Ticketnet outlet and reserve tickets for me and my friends.

Here's the stage layout:

I am so so SOOOOO excited!
For SVIP/VVIP/VIP, you may call at 565-0524 on NOV. 14, 2010 between 1 – 4 pm. Full name and contact number is required for you to get a reservation.

Leeteuk 여보, I'll see you soon.
But before that... I'll bet in LOTTO first. If I win, I'll buy all the tickets for you! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ!

Portrait of the Retards

2010-11-08T23:52:00.002+08:00

A definitely clear depiction of the lifestyle that I had when I was teaching,
portrayed by my deranged cohorts,
captioned by me.

Missing you guys...
For Nikki, Spring, Chloe and Kat..
How's POTSCO?
KV must be relieved you feel her burdens now.
ㅋㅋㅋㅋ!

Stretching the Byways

2010-11-08T22:36:00.003+08:00

I don't know the journey will take me on but I will trod each step with a happy heart
Whether the sunny day shines,
Or heavy rain pours on me
I'll just stay and walk with you.

I will prevail.
I know I will.

Nestle's Fiesta Corn Bread

2010-11-07T01:30:00.004+08:00

I intend to cook more than before now that I'm already home.
And since I just started working in one of the biggest manufacturers in the globe, products are just within reach and grocery-shopping won't be that troublesome for me.

I love breads and cakes and I recently discovered a tasty-looking bread that will make your mouth water. I got it from http://www.meals.com, one of the few internet sites allowed in the office. So tomorrow when I wake up, this will be my mission:

Corn bread.. Just by the thought of it, I can almost smell its flavorful aroma. I can't wait to bake it and see my dad and my son's face.

Here's a recipe if you'd like to try it:

Estimated Times

Preparation Time: 10 mins
Cooking Time: 30 mins
Cooling Time: 10 mins cooling

Servings: 24

Ingredients

2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups yellow corn meal
1 1/2 cups (6 oz.) shredded mild cheddar cheese
1 can (7 oz.) diced green chiles
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 can (12 fl. oz.) NESTLÉ® CARNATION® Evaporated Milk
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 large eggs, lightly beaten

Directions

PREHEAT oven to 375º F. Grease a 13 x 9-inch baking dish.

COMBINE flour, cornmeal, cheese, chiles, sugar, baking powder and salt in large bowl; mix well. Add evaporated milk, vegetable oil and eggs; stir just until moistened. Spread into prepared baking pan.

BAKE for 30 to 35 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in pan on wire rack for 10 minutes; cut into squares. Serve warm.

Laid-back Saturday

2010-11-07T00:50:00.003+08:00

It's Sunday already and I am looking back to what I have done yesterday. Actually, I really haven't done something except for these things:

I slept at 4 am (blame it to Vampire Diaries!)
I woke up at 10 am just to eat bananas.
Talked to Ryan (my brother) while waiting for my dad and Aaron to come home from his Math academy.
Then I fell asleep waiting for Sharon to text me if we're going to have coffee or not. (Well, we didn't.)
woke up at 3pm; watched The Lost Tomb of Jesus
I went back to sleep after
I watched Mulan (actually, there was nothing nice to watch in cable TV nowadays)
cooked dinner
cleaned my room
took a shower

and now..

I don't have anything more to do except to write entries in this blog. Playing games and updating status in Facebook is becoming a little bit tiresome for me.

I guess I have to plan out something special next weekend. After all, my birthday is coming up.

What's In My Name?

2010-11-07T00:11:00.005+08:00

I always wonder what my name really means aside from being the "feminine of Eric" or "ruler of all." There are thousands of applications which can give you the meaning of your name but not as much as I have discovered tonight. As I read on, I smiled and at the same time shook my head in disbelief. But the bright side of it is that I was entertained.

According to the analysis. Here's what I am:

You Are Gracious and Amicable

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

So how about you? What's in your name?
You may visit http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshidden meaningquiz/
I'd love to know.

Smoke that Cigarette If You Can!

2010-11-04T22:51:00.005+08:00

As all you know, I am a self-confessed smoker. I smoke whenever I feel like it, wherever I want. 'Not a good thing, I know but it became a part of my lifestyle which is hard to let go.

Anyhow, when I went to my job interview a month ago, the first thing I checked was the smoking area and just when I got the post, I imagined myself that I would be sitting in one of the benches outside my office, chatting with co-workers under the shady tent while smoking and sipping coffee.

Until my second day at work, the guys in the office invited me to smoke outside. While having a casual talk, I looked up and realized an amusing sign about cigarette smoking posted over my head. Underneath the tent was this (EXACT!) picture:

And come to think of it... I was in the middle of smoking a CARBON MONOXIDE!!

I ought to be scared with this one. But since I'm such an odd person, I found it pretty amusing instead. One thought that came into my mind: "Who on earth would put up this sign in a smoking area?" I shook my head. "Unbelievably atrocious."

I looked at the other people smoking and they didn't seem to notice. Everybody was busy huffing and puffing smoke to relieve stress (including me).

I looked at my cigarette and smiled. "Gee, I'm about to hit Methanol," threw my cigarette, excused myself then head back to the office.

LESSONS LEARNED:

- If I can't stop smoking.. try not to hit an Industrial Solvent. Guess that would decrease my chance of dying by .01% when I smoke everyday.
- Never read signs when in a smoking area again. It's guilt-free.

Oh Social Life, Where Art Thou?

2010-11-02T21:15:00.005+08:00

I rummaged through my pile of pictures when I came across with this two happy photos from the past:

Life is thwarting me with little incidents & big events that I encounter that made me go farther away from friends.

Everything was so carefree..
So laid-back then.

Tonight, I would be willing to have my arms twisted for some ice-cold beer,
... and laugh with friends nonchalantly.

How Do You Define Self-Transformation?

2010-11-01T00:20:00.002+08:00

I wonder how???

Is It Me Or Just a Short-lived Insanity?

2010-11-01T00:03:00.007+08:00

(I am posting this without the permission of taking my ex-boyfriend's photo. So please bie, don't sue me. You'll eventually find it fascinating.)

My strange liking to Korean singers (and songs of course) paved a way for me to double-take and see if I'm right or I'm just imagining things.

The guy on the left is my ex-boyfriend-turned-good friend Paul and the one on the right is Sung Si Kyung, a Korean balladeer who happens to be one of my favorites.

Is my mind playing tricks on me or not?
Somehow I think they're kinda twins.

Sheer Probability

2010-10-31T23:42:00.004+08:00

I'll wait to fall in love..
There's always tomorrow.
Or,
Maybe...
Never.

Eve of Hereafter

2010-10-31T23:21:00.004+08:00

As of writing, I am only minutes away from composing my last entry for October 2010.
But what to write?

Just so you know, November is just around the corner and I am starting to count the days before my birthday. Time really does fly fast and I am just a decade away from the peak of life, yet here I am, still contemplating about what my life is destined to be. However dreadful it may sound, truthfully, it's not as terrible as you think it is.

For the past 30 years of my life, I have created tremendous things. Things that are regrettable and things that would left a special mark in my heart. A moment that passes me by which gave me strength as well as serenity, at the same time scar that will never really heal in my lifetime.

As I look through my reflection, a glimmer was caught in my eye.
I have yet to experience more of the inevitable.
And in time,
I will share it with you.

Life.. 10 Days Ago

2010-10-30T22:49:00.005+08:00

It has been over a week since I have not written in my website. During those times....

I quit my teaching post. And my one-month notice gave me little-but-precious moments with my colleagues and students. I have also met new friends (Pie & Ice). During this time, I sincerely thought of not quitting just because I could not let go of something so good.

I packed my stuff and returned practically almost everything I own to my house. Goodness, transferring to another place is a real hassle and I still hadn't learned anything from it. I can still feel muscle pain from carrying heavy luggage. Unfortunately, I'm still not done.

I started a new job. This is the reason why packed my stuff and headed back home. The career that I am having now wasn't really something I had in mind but it turned out to be so-far, good. The best of all, I don't need to rent nor will have big expenses because it's only 15minutes away from my house.

Rekindled ties with Girls of Sparta. I was fortunate enough to spend time with old colleagues and good friends Sharon and Chubby. Nothing has changed. We're still the same old girls who chat crazily over beer.

I have become a full-fledged morning person. Unlike in my previous jobs, my day would end at midnight. Naturally, my sleeping habit was a complete mess. Now, I go to bed at 10 and wake up at 5am during weekdays. It's ridiculously refreshing.

My new boss did not believe me. This sounds like the classic case of "The dog ate my homework."I came to work an hour late on Thursday because I couldn't find my keys. Since I am still new at work, I couldn't afford to be late. This may sound stupid but I borrowed two of my neighbor's dogs and prayed so hard that my 2 dogs, and my neighbor's pooches will guard my house until Papa and Aaron comes. Then my boss laughingly told me, "That's stupid. I don't believe it."
BUT SADLY, IT IS REALLY TRUE.

I made one friend at work who really cracks me up. Mudee came to our office a week after I started in HP. He's an ex-pat from Thailand and he really makes me chuckle. I had the opportunity to have a conversation with him over drinks and cigarettes, talking about the way of life here in the Philippines, some useful Tagalog words and those little incidents when strangers come up to him and talks to him in Tagalog when he can't understand a thing (I was definitely a witness to it!) I am starting to be fond of him that makes me want him to be one of my little brothers.

I've done quite major changes in my room. Since I'm back home, I find my bedroom to be quite a mess. So everyday, I try to do some changes and becomes quite surprised with the outcome. It still needs more work but it will be done pretty soon. Now that I remember, I have to put the poster JC teachers gave me.

The last quarter of 2010 seems very promising.
I sure do hope it stays the same for as long FATE could give.

Just a Thought

2010-10-30T22:38:00.003+08:00

For those who will read this, I'm sorry but this is not another episode of random rantings. I only want to share some bits and pieces of what's-going-on with my life.

It's been 10 days since I have started my new job --- and loving it. I have to admit that because of my work, I am getting obsessed in numbers lately. I can practically dream of it even when I take a nap. Pathetic huh?

I wonder why is it only now this fondness of numbers just came out of my system. If this happened ages ago, I should have not taken Math 101 repeatedly during college.

Beats me.

Crap-iness I

2010-10-21T01:33:00.004+08:00

"Funny how it all started,
Completely ridiculous how it all end."

I need to stop watching sappy movies.

Time for a shut-eye.
Another long day tomorrow.
'Night world...

More of My Last Moments with JC Teachers

2010-10-19T23:10:00.004+08:00

After shift "Seafood Trip."

The girls...

The guys!?!?!
And the food...

*burp*

Had a great time with you guys!
Great night indeed!
Then again,
It would've been more fun if everybody came.
사랑해 ♥♥♥ !!!!

My Farewell Gift

2010-10-19T22:13:00.006+08:00

Let's go to the brighter side of my life:

When my 동생 (Uanih) resigned from her post a couple of weeks back, our team gave her a Super Junior's 4th jib repackaged CD with poster that made her ^$%@ explode. It was Kat and I who bought it during our vacant period and in an instinct, I was totally green with envy and regretted the fact that I did not buy for myself.

So naturally, since JC teachers are so overly generous and knowing that I will soon leave the academy, I laughingly told them that they should also give me a copy so I will explode as well.

My last day came and after a long day, I head to my desk and found a nicely printed picture of me. It was filled with sweet and funny messages from my co-teachers.

This one touched my heart but what made my eyes go 반짝, 반짝 is seeing a bag with a rolled paper in it.

I KNEW IT!

I got a Super Junior's 4th album!
It's pretty sad because some songs were not in it such as 여행 (A Short Journey), 진심 (All My Heart) and No Other. :(

But the good part is.. I GOT BETTER PICTURES of LEETEUK!

I love JC Teachers! Thank you so much!
Just to let you know.. I exploded too! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ!
See you guys soon! :)

credits to ZOEY @ OnlyHae.com

Estranged from Love

2010-10-19T21:29:00.007+08:00

I got in touch with an old friend and had updates with the things that has been going on with our lives. Love has again emerged in the topic, to which I really don't have anything to say. On the other hand, I feel happy that my friend is finally going to settle down with the person she loves.

Ho-hum.

Love has become my least favorite topic but I make it a point that I give realistic opinions to people who needed my advice. I found this out through Joy, my student, who is still single at 42. Both of us had conversations of love & relationships that has come to one thing:

NONE.

After my last "real" relationship, I have been literally driving myself crazy hoping for someone to swoop me and offer a love that would last a lifetime. But after long years, I still have none.

This isn't the issue of the clock ticking on me but it made me very confused about why is it that every time I try to date someone, I always end up backing off or vice versa. I always hope for a lifelong solitude with the right person yet before it even gets to the good part, I get a sudden case of cold feet.

Is it fear? Is it remorse?
I guess I am still clouded with so much pain and anger that I have forgotten the real meaning of it.

I really don't want to talk about love. But here I am, pounding with emotions as I write this entry. I think I should get to reacquaint myself to love. But my mind is telling me to stop this nonsense and focus more on constructive ideas.

I give up.

Deathnote Addiction

2010-10-09T20:20:00.004+08:00

I never really liked watching cartoons, let alone manga series until now.

I'm now hooked into it especially when I watched Deathnote.

Funny as it may seem but I find Light's shinigami so cute and adorable!!!
(I *HEART* Ryuk!)

So aside from K-pop, this would be my diversion from all the things I'm dealing with.

Uanih.. Thanks again! I salute you for making me hooked into these kind of things.

Watching it made me feel SO young! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ!

Now I can't wait for the U.S. version!

Genius Son, Not-So Genius But Proud Mom

2010-10-09T02:39:00.006+08:00

Everybody knows I am a single mother and the way I raise my child is far different from a traditional Filipino family. My son is a third-grader and it's exactly the age of a child when complains and annoying responses come out from their little mouth.

It's also the age when study habits are getting to be bothersome. My biggest complain for him this year is his laziness when it comes to his school works. He forgets home works, projects and gets 5-10 mistakes in his tests. The previous quarter was the worst report card he has given me, having 85 as the lowest and 87 as the highest. When he was younger, I am so used of seeing all 9's in his card. Naturally, throwing a fit would be normal on my part.

I did not go to work for two days this week since I have been sick after the 추석 Thanksgiving holiday. Because of that, I have lost my chances to attend my son's 3rd inter-school competition for this year. The previous two were from BULPRISA, vying students from the region, in which he single-handedly won the Math competition with flying colors.

On Thursday, while eating my lunch with my co-teachers, I got a text from my dad telling me that my son has once again won. This time, he's the 2nd place in our town.

Imagine my happiness and surprise that Aaron, who's becoming lazier with his studies, bringing home a disappointing report card, who keeps complaining about the things he should do, preferring to play games instead has again brought home a medal and made mommy proud.

I talked to him on the phone and my co-teachers whom he has met congratulated him. Mind you, the people who were in my area was happy as well, all looked like we just witnessed a game in which our team won.

Then another co-teacher asked me: KANINO BA NAGMANA SI AARON? I said: IT COULD BE ME BUT DEFINITELY NOT THE DAD! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ!

The response I got?
"YOUR SON'S A GENIUS. YOU'RE NOT!"

Lara & Uanih's Farewell

2010-10-09T02:14:00.005+08:00

October 1 marked a festive, yet, sad celebration as two of beloved Jung Chul teachers finally said goodbye. Lara, and of course my roomie and 동생 Uanih, have finally gotten their freedom (Ay, prison ba ito? ㅋㅋㅋㅋ!)

It should be a gloomy day for all of us but knowing the perkiness and positivism that we all have, we know our friendship won't end inside the four corners of GET.

I'm sure that both of you enjoyed your stay here (as much as we all are) despite the daily stress and problems we get. Both of you are missed.

And for 동생 Uanih, I'm glad you love the CD Kat and I got for you. That's blood, sweat and tears. Because of that, I lost my flash drive, and now dreading to meet the person who found it. So you should spazz then later explode for us! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ!

If This Isn't Love, What Is It?

2010-10-08T22:32:00.007+08:00

I'm blaming Katrina for this post.
She again gave me a link to sites that made me encounter THIS.
I am now contemplating about LOVE
and trying to find out the real meaning behind it.

Guess these pictures have explained my question.

정말? 열심히!

2010-10-06T22:04:00.003+08:00

진심이야?

Thankfully, I wasn't their teacher.
Goodness Gracious!

FWEF!

2010-10-05T21:19:00.004+08:00

I'm glad to know I don't have it.
Yes, not dengue..
Really not dengue!
Totally not dengue!

Tonsillitis and scurvy are something I should be thankful for.
Then again, I'm still sick.
But I need to get myself a complete rest even if I'm starting to have a bed sore,
so I can start my day at work tomorrow.

Missing my students..
Missing Nhel and the JC Teachers.
I'll see you tomorrow!

Here I Go Again

2010-09-27T22:27:00.004+08:00

Vacation has already passed and I am still in the office,
waiting for the time to go home.
Truthfully, having a 9-day long holiday was a bit too much for me --
From the pressures at work, I've gotten my reward --
And it backfired on me.
So yes, I'm sick now.
Sick because of too much vacation.

One really couldn't do the extremes.
Aish!

Erica the Loser

2010-09-26T15:31:00.004+08:00

This picture highlights what I could have done in my week-long holiday.

The end of my vacation is fast-approaching.
Tomorrow is a new day of stress at work.
And that means my co-teachers just had a grand time in Palawan,
while I ditched out and decided to stay with my family.
I know, I'm a loser.
And I'm practically green with envy right now.
Then again, I had a complete rest, met with old buddies,
and spent time with my family.

See you guys tomorrow.
And fill me in with the fun details!

A Brief Reunion

2010-09-24T12:28:00.002+08:00

After almost a year of not seeing each other..
Things really changed, truthfully.
Mishee, lost weight from being a busybody --
and Adrian, who gained weight (puffy cheeks eh?)
But what remains is the friendship we share.
It may be a brief meeting, but fun.
Can't wait on Monday!

Fingers-Crossed

2010-09-22T03:41:00.003+08:00

I have forgotten it's already Wednesday. I should've been in Palawan now

Before we we're given the word of the long holiday, I was already booked for my trip to Palawan with my fellow teachers but had to cancel out because of my busy schedule.

Lara, our level tester reminded me a week ago to call Cebu Pacific and cancel my flight or else I will get a penalty fee for a "NO SHOW."

Obviously, I haven't done it and my colleagues are probably enjoying their escapades in the island since yesterday while I am frantically looking for ways to resolve my boo-boos or I would be left in complete mockery if the penalty will appear in this month's credit bill.

Oh, which also reminds me, I gotta call another airline and cancel my Kota Kinabalu trip. Abby will surely get ballistic on me if she finds out I'm not coming.

I'll just cross my fingers then. And hope for the best.

At Least I Got A Message

2010-09-22T02:58:00.004+08:00

Tonight, I was woken out of a sound sleep by the sound of my cell phone beeping like crazy. As I leaped to my feet, I slowly took off my arms of my son sleeping dreamily in La-La land. I could not really see the message because of the glaring light so I took a moment first. I don't really get text messages nowadays, most especially in godly hours so I wonder who possibly thought of me when everybody knows I sleep early now.

After several deep breaths in an effort to wake up, I read the message again and it was from an old flame asking me one question that I hated to be asked. My own Pandora's box has opened again for a thousandth time and paranoia had me stalking since then.

Anyway, I managed to respond the message but just then I forced myself again to sleep, I hardly couldn't get my concentration. So here I am, trying to tire my mind away so I can finally get some peaceful slumber.

The SMS I got was simple, but my paranoia is horrible. Thinking about my carefree life was again piercingly loud and obnoxious in my head. It was deafening that I had to get up and work on this post. I silently cursed myself for being the person that who I was years ago.

Yet, at some point, I actually found yours truly thinking to myself, "Jeez! I'm tired of the riffraff who still think that people can never ever change." "What would happen if I didn't stop?" I envisioned myself in a bed of thorns, with glaring lights of red, blue and white, so cold and alone. The thought was so scary that I almost shivered. Life back then was too tiring. I was too tired to fully enjoy the fantasy of being in another world. I haven't been in that exhausting stage for so many years and I am glad to see myself moving forward.

It is only when I realized that the message wasn't aimed directly at me but rather a question of where I can find one. It's funny somehow. There will always be one person who will be left a really strong impact and it led me to think that the impact I have given this person was so strong that he can hardly forget that things that I have used to do, when I, have completely forgotten it until this moment. Tsk tsk.. It's not good most especially if the person is someone you love. Or should I say someone that I used to???

Though there is something to be glad about. I know that my subconscious is in a better place.

And I am happy that at least I got a text from him.
(Yeah right!)

Best Things (So Far)

2010-09-20T01:55:00.007+08:00

Chocolates!(Who can resist them?)

추석 Chu'seok (Yipee! Long vacation. No work, WITH PAY!)

Long cold showers on a humid day

Aaron bringing home a medal from BULPRISA Inter-School Math Competition ^_^

My funny Leeteuk

Finally downloaded Sweet Sorrow's YOU

Watching a sunset

Becoming a full-fledged couch potato

...
and best of all,

SLEEPING IN (for long hours!)

A Korean's View of the Philippines

2010-09-17T20:03:00.004+08:00

I came across this essay made by a Korean student. Grammar may not be completely accurate but the content is enough to make your heart tear in bits and pieces.

I am proud to be a Filipino but I sometimes envy Korean's patriotism. Their love of their country is what motivates them to become who they are now.

I hope someday our Philippines will be back to it's old flourishing glory.
Then again, our country's future is all up to us.

Read on and you'll see what I mean...

MY SHORT ESSAY ABOUT THE PHILIPPINES
JaeYoun Kim

Filipinos always complain about the corruption in the
Philippines. Do you really think the corruption
is the problem of the Philippines? I do not think so.

I strongly believe that the problem is the lack of love
For the Philippines.
Let me first talk about my country, Korea. It might
Help you understand my point.
After the Korean War, South Korea was one of the
Poorest countries in the world. Koreans
had to start from scratch because entire country was
destroyed after the Korean War, and we had no
natural resources.
Koreans used to talk about the Philippines , for
Filipinos
were very rich in Asia . We envy Filipinos.
Koreans really wanted to be well off like Filipinos.
Many Koreans died of famine.
My father & brother also died because of famine. Korean
government was very corrupt and is still very
corrupt beyond your imagination, but Korea was able to
develop dramatically because Koreans really
did their best for the common good with their heart
burning with patriotism.
Koreans did not work just for themselves but also for their
neighborhood and country. Education inspired young men with
the spirit of patriotism.
40 years ago, President Park took over the government to
reform Korea . He tried to borrow money
from other countries, but it was not possible to get a loan
and attract a foreign investment because the
economic situation of South Korea was so bad. Korea had
only three factories. So, President Park sent many mine
workers and nurses to Germany so that they could send money
to Korea to build a factory.
They had to go through horrible experience.
In 1964, President Park visited Germany to borrow money.
Hundred of Koreans in Germany came to the airport to
welcome him and cried there as they saw the President
Park
. They asked to him, "President, when can we be well off?"
That was the only question everyone asked to him.
President
Park cried with them and promised them that Korea would be
well off if everyone works hard for Korea , and the
President of Germany got the strong impression on them and
lent money to Korea . So, President Park was able to build
many factories in Korea . He always asked Koreans to love
their country from their heart.
Many Korean scientists and engineers in the USA came back
to Korea to help developing country
because they wanted their country to be well off.
Though they received very small salary, they did their
best for Korea . They always hoped that their children
would live in well off country.
My parents always brought me to the places where poor and
physically handicapped people live. They
wanted me to understand their life and help them.
I also worked for Catholic Church when I was in the army. The only
thing I learned from Catholic Church was that we have to
love our neighborhood. And, I have loved my neighborhood.
Have you cried for the Philippines ? I have cried for my
country several times. I also cried for the Philippines because of so
many poor people. I have been to the New Bilibid prison. What made me sad in the prison were the prisoners who do not have any love for their country. They go to mass and work for Church. They pray everyday.
However, they do not love the Philippines . I talked to
Two prisoners at the maximum-security compound, and both of
them said that they would leave the Philippines right
after they are released from the prison. They said that they
would start a new life in other countries and never
come back to the Philippines .
Many Koreans have a great love for Korea so that we
Were able to share our wealth with our neighborhood. The
Owners of factory and company were distributed their profit to
their employees fairly so that employees could buy what
they needed and saved money for the future and their children.
When I was in Korea , I had a very strong faith and wanted
to be a priest. However, when I came to the Philippines
, I completely lost my faith. I was very confused when I
saw many unbelievable situations in the Philippines . Street kids always make me sad, and I see them everyday. The Philippines is the
only Catholic country in Asia , but there are too many poor people here.
People go to church every Sunday to pray, but nothing
Has been changed.
My parents came to the Philippines last week and saw this
situation. They told me that Korea was much poorer than
the present Philippines when they were young. They are so sorry
that there are so many beggars and street kids. When we went to
Pasangjan, I forced my parents to take a boat because
it would fun. However, they were not happy after taking a
boat. They said that they would not take the boat again
because they were sympathized the boatmen, for the boatmen
were very poor and had a small frame. Most of people just took a boat and
enjoyed it. But, my parents did not enjoy it because of love
for them.
My mother who has been working for Catholic Church since I
was very young told me that if we just go to mass
without changing ourselves, we are not Catholic indeed. Faith
should come with action.
She added that I have to love Filipinos and do good things
for them because all of us are same and have received a
great love from God. I want Filipinos to love their
neighborhood and country as much as they love God so that
the Philippines will be well off.
I am sure that love is the keyword, which Filipinos should
remember. We cannot change the sinful structure at once. It
should start from person. Love must start in everybody,
in a s mall scale and have to grow. A lot of things happen
if we open up to love.
Let's put away
our prejudices and look at our worries with our new eyes.
I discover that every person is worthy to be loved.
Trust in love, because it makes changes possible.

Love changes you and me. It changes people, contexts
And relationships. It changes the world. Please love your
neighborhood and country.
Jesus Christ said that whatever we do to others we do to
Him. In the Philippines , there is God for people who are
abused and abandoned.
There is God who is crying for
love. If you have a child, teach them how to love the
Philippines.

Teach them why they have to love their neighborhood
and country. You already know that God also will be very happy if you love others.
That's all I really want to ask you Filipinos.

The Good News

2010-09-16T18:02:00.004+08:00

When Uanih filed a resignation letter, I was flabbergasted
since her last day will be tomorrow.
Until she came to my station few hours ago..
And told me she decided to extend her stay 'til next month, at least.

Best thing is, she plans to come back after her vacation and work in Manila again.
Yipee! I will still have my best room mate with me!

Don't Let Bastards Ruin Your Day

2010-09-14T22:40:00.002+08:00

But they did.
And I can't get over it.
GRRRR!

Woozy Tootsie

2010-09-13T18:21:00.002+08:00

To quote All Saints, "My head's spinning, Boy, I'm in a daze."
Currently nursing vertigo at work.
Trying very hard to suppress it.
Ayokong himatayin sa public na lugar!!!

Till The Next Morning

2010-09-13T00:51:00.001+08:00

Good night!

CREDITS TO MEGS D

Dear Mom

2010-09-12T14:19:00.002+08:00

Laugh Trip!

2010-09-10T20:42:00.012+08:00

It's Ramadan today. However, I am still in the office working my sorry a**
I decided to look for something cute & funny to make me smile and PRESTO! I got tons.
Below are just few of my favorites. Stress reliever, indeed.

ENJOY THE WEEKEND!!!

Back to the Game

2010-08-31T15:47:00.004+08:00

When Uanih and I came home from work last night, she asked what my flash drive looks like and told her. then I saw her holding it and playing it with her fingers. Naturally, I cried for relief.

My depression was useless.

So today, I went to the office early and was in the mood to get my tasks done.
I'm soooo happy!

Always There When I Call

2010-08-30T14:24:00.006+08:00

The pressure to succeed in career is really heavy. I am now forced to strive harder and gain acceptance when it comes to my projects. Everything has hit me from all sides.

Ever since my flash drive has gotten lost, I feel so incompetent knowing that my entire project has gone in just a blink of an eye. The fact that I have been thinking inside the box and never thought of the possibility of such bad things can happen is enough for me to be depressed and in the nearing of suicidal tendency <-- it's just a pun.

Most of the tools I use in teaching, my researches, my manuscripts and articles were there along with my favorite pictures and mp3s.

Aah! And before I lost it, I was so full of confidence with the thought of beating the schedule earlier than I expected.

And to top of it all, just a few seconds ago, my boss came up to me and gave me a flier that says...
"Do you... suffer from any of these problems?"

Aish, Sir Ivan.. if you only knew the dilemma that I am into now.
I am in a real sticky mess, I don't know who to call and I don't know how to get out of it.

Yet, at the end of the flier, it says... "There is a way for you to be freed from these problems immediately!"

And now I think I know the answer.

SuJu's UFO Replies

2010-08-06T21:13:00.005+08:00

I lack sleep, I'm numb and my eyes are getting heavier as minutes passed.
Thank goodness for Uanih 동생 , I have found a better way to relax than going downstairs to smoke. SuJu's antics really keeps me awake!

Uanih 동생 passed more links about the funny stuffs of "my boys" and I couldn't help but to have a good and hearty laugh. Below are the funny UFO replies** made by SuJu members themselves. I took the liberty in compiling my favorites.

[**UFO replies are the responses of Korean celebrities in a UFO site where Korean fans can freely post their messages on the board or even a text message. Most of the time, celebrities message back when they're online.]

[NOTE: The following UFO replies were being translated from Hangul to English. Hangul is one of the languages I have proven to be literal so bear with it. If you're a SuJu fan, you will get it. If you're an ESL teacher for Koreans, you will also get it. ^_^]

ELF: What type of girls does Siwon Gege like?
Siwon: Kind-hearted.
Kibum: Christians can’t tell lies, right?
Siwon: …… Beautiful, hot body.

ELF: Congratulations to Kangin for being the most popular in UFO, there is a special prize of $1000, for instructions to collect the prize, please reply.
Kangin: Reply!
Hankyung: You are a Chinese ELF, the one who used the same method to trick me into replying the other time?

ELF: One who only reads the messages and not reply are fools. [endearing term]
Donghae: Referring to you, the one below.
Kyuhyun: Referring to you, the one below.
Ryeowook: Referring to you, the one below.
Kibum: ……
Eunhyuk: Now, can’t dive either? [to dive means to hide]
Hankyung: You cannot see me, you cannot see me……
Siwon: To prove that I’m not a fool……
Leeteuk: All of you are really free nowadays, is it?

ELF: Is Heechul Gege playing games again? [refering to computer games]
Kangin: Zai nan zai nan! [zai nan is a term to refer to guys who do not go out, but stay home to play games]
Donghae: You are the zai nan, you and Leeteuk and your whole house are all zai nan.
Heechul: Donghae! Good job!

ELF: I love you! Kim Jaejoong!!!
Hankyung: How do you know that i’m currently on the phone with Jaejoong?! Amazing! Jaejoong, it’s yours……
Donghae: Wo Ai Ni! Xiang La Xiao Long Xia! [literally translated as 'fragrant spicy little lobster']
Heechul: Lee Donghae, don’t embarrass yourself together with your Hankyung hyung……
Hankyung: Heechul…… you’re biased!
Leeteuk: Low key low key! [as in, to keep a low profile]

~0~

Fan: ”What’s oppa’s religion?”
HC: ”Against Siwon.”
KH: ”Against Heechul.”
HC: ”WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?”
KH: ”Hyung~”

~0~

ELF: Uncle Teuk!!! is your age suitable to be called an uncle??!! KKKK
Angle teuk: HOW CAN I BE!!!!! I’m a oppa!!!!!!!

ELF:Oppa.. regardless anything just say something….??please please please???
Kyunhyun: something

ELF: oppa. so refined and handsome,did you eat something special?
Kyuhyun: I ate your love for me, causing me to get drug *nosebleed.aaa kyuuu lol*

ELF: oppa?? all your fans who are my friends recieved your reply and have been boasting about it in front of me
Heechul: You should go and boast now. Dont lose out to your friends

ELF: Leeteuk is mine
Donghae: he’s mine….

ELF:getting worship, and having to face oppa… what did you get?
Heechul: my mum’s nagging, getting angry, electricity bills, dropping of results, but forever ELF

ELF: Complete me. Stay with me
Kangin: Are you crazy? stay with you?

ELF: Is there a time where leeteuk bully Kangin?
Kangin:Do i look like someone who would get bullied

ELF: Oppa you are not suppose to go anywhere or change.
250: toilet too?
(ps i gt no idea wad is 250)

ELF: Oppa. I cant sleep. the mosquito are the cause! Help me get revenge!
Donghae: Pass to me their address and name. i help you get revenge!

ELF: Hankyung. i had a bet with my friend on the phone just now. If you dont reply. i can cant dinner.
Hankyung: i’m replying. dont neglate yourself.

ELF:Calling for Hankyung.Calling for Hangkyung. Your body shape so good. what did you do?
Hangkyung: Ask my mom.

[FAN] Oppa is stupid
[KYUHYUN] Compared to you I'm a genius

~0~

Fan : Oppa tomorrow the record card will come out ㅠ Should I hide it anyway ?? ㅋ
Kyuhyun : Just rip it and throw it away immediately

Fan: Kyuhyun oppa I want to become chic like you
Kyuhyun: Oh God

Fan: Jongjin (Yesung’s younger brother) is so much better looking than Yesung
Kyuhyun: Exactly

~0~

ELF: Oppas, because of Oppas, I am so fortunate and blissful~Thank you

Heechul: I am also fortunate because of petals

ELF: Guess what is my future dream? I want to marry Oppas!! Can?

Heechul: You have very big dream…kyakyakyakya

ELF: I miss Oppa a lot, so much that I can see the photo as Oppas (inserted an ugly comical face)

Heechul: Wanna be punished?

~0~

Fan : I’m at the 3rd year of high school but I still go to super show 3….If I fail at SAT it will be oppa’s responsibility ^♥^
Kyuhyun : I cant take responsibility ^^

Fan : Oppa I’m a female seon-do-boo ㅋ
Kyuhyun : I hate seon-do-boo a lot when I went to school….
* “seon-do-boo” is the head of the proper guidance in a school, they catch the students who broke the school’s rules and punish them

~0~

ELF: SJ-T hwaiting!

Kyuhyun: SJ-M!

Yesung: SJ-H!

Ryeowook: SJ-KRY!

Leeteuk: YA! Go to bed you all

~0~

Fan: I really want to meet Sungmin oppa now, (I)can’t concentrate on studying!!!!
Kyuhyun: Once I think of Sungmin hyung, I can’t do anything at all.

ELF:Hangkyung, why did u reply the others except mine? i hate you. roll on the floor.
Hangkyung: get up. the floor is dirty. listen to me!

ELF: God. why did you play such a pank on us? ir u dont reply me i will roll on the floor.
Hangkyung:Get up.. So dirty… Why is everyone playing on the floor today.

ELF:Oppa are you really humans? Why are you so handsome?
Eunhyuk: i’m not human~i’m jewel.

ELF: wow! i got a reply! i can die without any regrets.
Heechul: is this your will??

~0~

Fan: Oppa, I want some hot rice cakes
Kyuhyun: Why don’t you go get some?
Fan: I don’t know where to get them TT buy me some!
Kyuhyun: Actually no, you’ll get fat.

~0~

ELF: did you eat the wrong medicine
Kyuhyun: poisoned by your love

~0~

Fan : ㅡㅡ Why does Cho Kyu have to be so handsome like that
Donghae : (He) can’t be more handsome than Lee Donghae
Fan : Oppa, are you jealous ?
Donghae : Totally no ~ (XDDDDDDD)

FAN] ya!!
[HEECHUL] ho

[FAN] Are oppas human? How can you guys be so handsome!!
[EUNHYUK] I'm not human~ I'm a jewel keke

Something to Smile About

2010-08-05T20:46:00.009+08:00

Tonight, I have a reason to smile amidst the chaos in the office.

Good night Kang-in. Good night Donghae.

Sweet Dreams Hangeng... Sweet Dreams Kibum.

.. and most of all... Hugs to Hee Chul. Nyt! Nyt! ^__^

P.S. This will be a very very VERY good dream. ^__^

Who We Are

2010-08-04T17:30:00.003+08:00

Have you ever been misunderstood?
Maybe if we really knew who we are, others won't judge us. People would understand us.

Have you ever had to apologize for a wrong thing you never meant to commit?
Have you ever offended someone by something you said and did which you never intend to do?
Maybe if we are mindful with our actions, then you don't need to ask an apology for.

Has anyone offended you? Unintended insults and emotional injuries that can destroy your relationships with others?
Maybe if we are not too sensitive and make a necessary action in clearing up what others meant by their words or actions, we could have ceased reservations and possible conflict in the future.

Life is really like this.
In any kind of relationship, one is always on the other side of the equation which brings forth dissension rather than keeping harmony.

A Different ME

2010-08-01T14:26:00.004+08:00

After completing six books with my team, burn-outs, sleepless nights, rantings, salary misunderstandings and students to teach... I'm still loving my long working hours. I have always thought that my career has a significant role in turning me to be a better teacher and a better person. There's a vast space in my life to make a valuable and significant impact. Everyday, challenging ideas and nerve-wracking events are coming in my path but I'm still enjoying myself.

It must be because of my goals. Or just plainly working hard to earn. Then again, it's not. I could not think of a viable explanation why I toil so hard and push my limits.

Because of my this, I have decided to set my trip aside to Palawan this September with colleagues and even my Kota Kinabalu getaway on October with my college buddy. "The hell with the ticket I paid," I said to myself.

To which I am so surprised of why I did it. I have to admit that I am feeling so tired these days while rooting against anyone who gets up close and personal about the time I get in and the work ethics that I carry, wanting others to see that this job is not easy to fathom. I clearly need a vacation, I need to rest my mind but a chunk of me is telling me to stay back and continue what am I doing.

Wow. Is it really me?

At this moment, I am reconciling a big idea in restructuring the curriculum I made, the design and all the reference materials that we will be making starting Monday. Two new-hires will come in tomorrow and the pressure from our boss will be more apparent now that our team is getting bigger.

Yet it's a stalemate for now. Monday is drawing near and I still haven't gotten myself organized. I think I'll just cook tuna pasta. It's a perfect diversion for a moment like this.

Welcoming the Unknown

2010-07-19T02:27:00.005+08:00

There is a little voice resonating in my ears that this week will be tough for me.
I don't know why and I don't know how will I end up but I really think it isn't good.

My mind is still full of musings with the things I have forgotten to do over the past week drifting in my own little world. Then again, I have already completed my tasks. I should feel a little panicky by now, but my faith has given me stacks of vindication not to.

So the philosophy I have contrived whenever I feel a scare of a desolate moment of life, I have decided not to put any unreasonable doubt on my faith which I have painstakingly re-assembled for my new-found footing with God.

On a pragmatic side, if terrible things are about to happen, I should be prepared and make cautious action so it won't happen. Yet if things will not fall into place, I should welcome it no matter how substantial the commiseration will maul me down.

Tsk tsk..
Still I hope there will be no biting surprises for me.

When Less Is More

2010-07-12T00:36:00.002+08:00

It is really hard to work from a high paying job with less work then after few years, going to the same career that gives you more headaches, more working hours but less pay.

Work sucks, and I'm totally at it.

I sound like I'm complaining. But I'm not. Surprisingly, my pay now may be lesser but I am truly enjoying my job.

There must be something in me that is so weird because here I am, toiling myself so hard [even on weekends] and occasionally rant my heart away with the bills I needed to pay, but I am still here, amidst the good offers head hunters are giving me.

Remembering the times when I got a high paying job, I was always in numerous bars, drinking and having fun with friends and colleagues. I rarely go home, or if I am home, is surely asleep the whole day... Nursing a hangover.

It's a good thing, really, that I am in this situation. A lot has happened.

One of the many things that fell into place is I get to see the value of the people who loves me most. I learned to be frugal [well.. except for a couple of my travels] and save for the rainy day. I became a homebody, which I find myself in disbelief.

While I'm thinking about this sort of thing, I came up with answers that offer a valid explanation for my odd behavior. It wasn't really accurate but the question on my mind filled the hollow point of my own thine self.

This is just few things of what my life is going through. It made so much more sense to me now that I am indeed becoming mature and has learned from life's tribulations. I think that I am one of the few creatures in the universe that undergo an evolutionary process. From a bad person, developed through the years, becoming better, a new-improved being.

Leading to Faith

2010-07-12T00:02:00.004+08:00

I was never an atheist.

But there is always a point in my life that I always separate myself to God and then come back to his arms. For the last 10 years, I go over and over again.

I'm like his lost sheep and a prodigal daughter all at the same time.

To condense all the things that happened in my spiritual experiences, my life is a bumpy ride when it comes to my faith. I have to admit that there were several events in my life that I ask God why he continues to test me.

Since I was raised in a devout Catholic family, I learned how to pray but I always ask myself if my prayers are sincere enough to be heard by the Almighty. Because there were still prayers left unanswered, yet there some, were provided. For my prayers that has been ignored, I am overly ashamed to admit that I blame it to God.

It never occurred to me that sometimes, prayers were never answered simply because you do not help yourself. God will answer our prayers if He sees us pushing ourselves to become better persons.

Until now, I think I have already learned to pray with my heart.

My boss always pulls me up to my chair every Wednesday to attend the weekly Bible study in our office. Pastor Hannah, a Korean missionary who teaches us the basics of Christian faith teaches us what we all Filipino Catholics know. From the Genesis to the New Testament, she patiently imparts the Word of God [even though she knows we know the whole story]. Some colleagues were, adamant in attending, occasionally disrupts the meeting with a snicker or a reaction. [I have to admit that they didn't have the choice].

Except for me. I find Pastor Hannah to be an amazing missionary because despite Filipinos mostly come from a Christian faith, she always makes time to share the Good Word without asking for anything.

From the Bible lessons that I am so familiar with, I got in touch with my faith again, realizing how much I have forgotten to live according to what the Bible says. I started to put grace under all my pressures and centered it to God - and unknowingly, my prayers were being answered one by one.

So tonight before I hit my peaceful slumber, I will kneel down as I pray for the blessings that I received and what will I receive in the future.

Joyless July

2010-07-11T21:46:00.005+08:00

I never grasped the fact that the month of July is the saddest month of my life until now. There's a great deal of reflection - a whole lot to remember and contemplate.

Losing someone very important is a huge loss, particularly the ones you have shared your life with. An abrupt egression is something I find hard to take and when it happens, it doesn't leave me much of a peremptory but to take the trodden path by myself.

It was in July when I got pregnant with Aaron and his father and I decided to call it quits - forever.
Also in that month, 4 years after, a little angel called Pep was called by our Almighty and left me bewildered.
Two years after that, I let go of one man who truly accepted me for who I am to let him patch the mistakes we'd both done. It's supposedly his 37th birthday in a few days. Unfortunately, he's also gone.

Three major events that I always put up with in the month of July without discerning such repulsive fact 'til now. Three different situations but each has taught me a great deal of love, trust and letting go.

It was in this month that I remembered how I cried and how I made myself miserable for the horrible things that had happened in my life.

Now I had to deal with the ghosts of my past and pray that what happened to me will continue to serve as my life's lesson.

It has been months since I shed tears for my personal loss and I think I have to do it all over again.

I better light some candles and say a little prayer.

Why I Love To Teach

2010-07-10T02:41:00.004+08:00

What you may not know about being a teacher is that it takes a lot of sacrifice in his or her life in order to impart knowledge to his/her students. And most of the times, a teacher almost forgets his/her life with her family and friends. Let alone his/her own life.

And most of the time, the teacher gets stressed with its immobile routine especially when students don't care about the value of learning.

A little acknowledgment is what teachers ask sometimes.

I got it yesterday from my four beloved students. And surprisingly my boss.

Luke, an engineer, sang the song "She" with a special message that he particularly picked the song because I serve as his inspiration to learn more and push his capacity.

Lisa, an architect who I constantly give advices with her wedding jitters, expressed her gratitude by letting me decide one big decision in her life, saying how much she trusts me.

Joy, an elementary teacher and a mother who told me how much I influenced her life

Choice, also an elementary teacher, who made me cry so hard before I ended my long working hour, telling me that I am God's gift to him because he always feels my sincerity not only as his teacher but also his friend.

And my boss, who personally talked to me about my future in the industry of learning. Telling me to help ourselves grow in the midst of the cutthroat competition.

Five ordinary people who appreciates all the hard work that I have been doing for so long. Nothing can ever make me happier in terms of my career except the little gestures of the people around my work place.

This is why I love teaching so much. Not only you help them improve in their weaknesses, you also improve yourself with the wonders of gratitude that you are receiving from the people you've given a profound impact in their lives.

When It Happens to You

2010-07-05T01:33:00.003+08:00

I recently compiled life's little lessons which I randomly received from my emails (and experienced) to keep in mind. I said to myself that this will be one of my diversions from my hard work as well as my guide to live my life to the fullest.

Here goes the list:

1. ALWAYS CHOOSE LIFE.
2. Envy is a waste of time. You have already what you need.
3. Give time a time. It almost heals everything.
4. If you are not well informed of your job, take time to learn and re-learn it. You might miss a great opportunity.
5. When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut.
6. READ THE PSALMS. IT COVERS EVERY HUMAN EMOTION.
7. NEVER EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYONE. THE PERSON WHO LIKES YOU DOESN'T NEED IT AND THE PERSON WHO DOESN'T WON'T BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY.
8. When you keep saying you are always busy, then you will never be free. Make time.
9. Be up to date.
10. The best is yet to come
11. Give and accept affection freely and often
12. WHEN SOMEONE GIVES YOU FOOD, SMILE AND EAT IT LIKE IT'S YOU BEST MEAL.
13. Take naps.
14. Your job won't take care of you when you're sick. Your friends will. Your family will. So stay in touch.
15. What other people think of you is none of your business.
16. FORGIVE FRIENDS IF THEY DON'T HAVE TIME.
17. Look and love yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
18. No matter how much you take care of yourself, if it's your time to die, you will. Enjoy but do it MODERATELY.
19. It doesn't matter if the person you're talking to has a different religion. When faith sinks in, it will always ends to one thing: THERE IS GOD.
20. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
21. Go outside as much as possible. Miracles are just waiting everywhere.
22. Bullshitting others may get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
23. If a relationship should be in secret, you shouldn't be in it.
24. There are three things in life that make a person: SINCERITY, COMMITMENT and HARD WORK.
25. DESPITE LIFE EVERYDAY CHALLENGES AND TENSIONS, REMEMBER TO SIT BACK AND RELAX. .
26. If you like to win but think you can't, you will never win.
27. When it comes to going after what you love in your life, never take no for an answer.
28. IF YOU WANT YOUR DREAMS TO COME TRUE, DON'T OVERSLEEP.
29. The heaviest thing that you can carry is your grudge.
30. One thing worst that a quitter is a person who can't even begin.
31. The Ten Commandments is not a multiple choice: FOLLOW RELIGIOUSLY.
32. IDEAS WON'T WORK IF YOU WON'T PUT ACTION ON IT.
33. BE BRAVE. IF YOU'RE NOT THEN PRETEND TO BE. NO ONE CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
34. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
35. Make the best out of bad situations.
36. Become the most positive and the most enthusiastic person that you can be.
37. SMILE A LOT. IT'S BEYOND THE PRICE.
38. Stop blaming everything. Learn to be responsible in every area of your life.
39. In almost all your relationships, the most important thing is trust.
40. Live beneath your means.

At a certain point of our lives, it is important to sit back and ponder on life's meaning. When these happen to you, you might say that you have done something that could make an impact in your life.

It's Another Manic Monday

2010-06-28T04:19:00.002+08:00

My Sundays are always for late-night TV reruns and never-ending clicks and fights for my Mafia Wars. Except last night, as I have to sleep early and naturally, wake up early for work.

And now I'm half awake, with my week's clothes on my bed still unpacked, hair uncombed and in front of my computer. By the way, Uanih's still in la-la land and I'm soooo overly jealous.

Uanih and I changed our minds into coming back to Manila last night. We were really having a relaxed weekend here at home. Now, we have to face again the hustle and the bustle of the city and toil ourselves for the entire week.

My father is now in the kitchen, preparing for our breakfast. It's a good thing that he didn't yell at me to take a bath and turn off this computer and get the usual sermon, "Mali-late ka na naman!"

As much as I don't want to, I have to hurry [we have to hurry]. I just remember that I have to get to the office at 8am and start working on the intermediate and advance level timelines. Thinking about it makes me think that I am already planning the next three years to complete the project, at the same time, the next three years of my career, to which I know that I will no longer be seeing that moment.

Oh, and my Mondays are fully-packed with students. I am, silently wishing that they still have a hangover from the recent demise of the Red Devils in the World Cup finals so I can at least take a breather.

*SIGH*

It's almost 5am now. Uanih's awake, my son is taking a bath, dad's outside and I am still here.

It really is Monday.
Time to go!

1 Down, 71 To Go

2010-06-27T13:03:00.005+08:00

My 14-hour job pushed me to the limits, gave me headaches yet gave me a lot of benefits.

Thankfully, my boss from IWP gave me the chance to prove my worth and here I am, toiling each day. I am a book developer during the day and an ESL teacher at night. It's exhausting, I know. But I could not pass up the opportunity to take one of the jobs that I have been wanting all these years.

My first week of being a book developer was full of criticisms. Come to think of it, I was the only one in publishing division at that time who made it's concept and outlines and the content. Then at the end of each day, my Korean boss changes it and will get an unacceptable feedback. "Too hard to comprehend," or "too easy." He wasn't that easy to please but I kept my cool despite the buses and trains rambling on my mind. My co-teachers would say, "Mag-STRESSTABS ka nga!" as I strive to keep my eyes open in the middle of my working hours, constantly realizing that I was half-asleep when teaching my students.

It was too hard but bearable until Kate came in last week. Kate was my colleague in IWP and thank goodness, we we're able to iron out everything. In just one week, after all the petiks, the pressures, deadlines and long hours of talk, we were able to have a meeting with the illustrator, submit the final draft and got what we wanted last Friday.

The feeling that you accomplished within a week of a mind-dripping moment was so priceless.

What's good is that we were acknowledged and was given a pat in the back for a job well done. What's better is that we were given the chance to make our own team to get the work faster and more organized. Two heads more will make the project even better, more fun and more pressures to handle. I am excited. Knowing that again, I will have another learning experience in my teaching career.

From the 72 on-going projects that we have to accomplish this year, we already finished one and are looking forward for more manuscripts to be proud of.

And I just can't wait.

Few hours left

2010-06-14T02:06:00.003+08:00

Spent my Sunday in front of the computer making outlines, covering my son's books, printing out name cards, doing my laundry and packing my things.

It's my last night here at home and I will be again off to my laborious pursuit in a few hours. To which, at this moment, don't have any clues of why I painstakingly toil the career that I have learned to love and hate.

It should have been a holiday for Filipinos but not for me and the rest of the GET population.
At least I will start my day at 2pm tomorrow. I almost forget, it's not something to be thrilled about as I finish work at 11pm. ^__^

And then on Tuesday, I don't have any much choice but to wake up as early as 7am. Be in the office at 9 to work on the books Mommy Teta has asked me to do. I am a self-confessed, glorified bed potato and no one can pull me on my sheets unless I sleep for at least 8 hours. Nonetheless, this will be an EXCEPTION. Career at-stake!

I told my dad that I won't be coming home everyday from this week on since I'll work for longer hours. But it's hard for me since I got used traveling the long road of NLEX for four hours [to and fro] everyday and I won't be getting the comfort my home is giving me. Dad was annoyingly happy with my decision. He said that it's better since our electric bill will dramatically decrease now that I will be here on weekends. He also told me that I will no longer ask for "allowance" which I normally do a week before my salary. I can totally save up now that I don't have to spend much on my travel expenses. He's got a point

But then he said, "O anak baka naman gumimik ka na naman gabi-gabi nyan."

Hmm.. of course not. I am devoting my time for work and nothing else.

If I know, you and Aaron will miss me and you'll never stop sending me IM's or text messages just to know how am I doing.

Awww.. but I'll miss you guys too.. No more lunch box na for me. :(

Vagabondage

2010-06-13T03:56:00.005+08:00

Closer,
Through the long white corridor of emptiness
Walk past the space,
pass by it..
A flash point is waiting at the end.

An unalterable presence,
Take no notice of it.
But heed the pungent aroma of damp, of destitute and pain.

Look for that chink of light
And edge your way towards the surface of the black stone
Slowly, patiently.

Hurry past the lion's den and,
Go through fast in the middle of the thunderstorm
Before dusk, swim unto the cryptic river around the bend ~
Then breathe the good air of freedom.

The starry sky you see,
after you slipped right out from a cave hole.
cold breeze touching your sweaty skin
Tiresome.

Turn back,
Look again where you've been from.
What do you see?

Now is the Time

2010-06-12T05:23:00.003+08:00

5:23 a.m

The dawn is now breaking but it seems that the weekend is starting with a bleak weather. I just finished fiddling with my blog's layout and I can't help but to admire it. I changed it all, from the blog title to the background. I feel satisfied. For now.

I'm still having a major case of a deep, dark and heavy block but hey, I was able to start at least with the lesson titles through the help of unnerving piles of my old research and text books on my computer desk. It truly helps...

... for a scatterbrained girl like me.

Now, after exactly 22 hours of being wide-awake, I am now to hit a peaceful slumber.

It's a good thing I didn't drink coffee.

Looking Through

2010-06-12T03:51:00.003+08:00

It has given me a lot of of thought...

I see you -
.. head bowed,
.. eyes half-closed.

Silence.

When the dust settles,
... the moon aglow
... and the move has made,

A silver lining -
Waiting.

Mind Clogging

2010-06-12T02:03:00.005+08:00

I'm stuck in a major rut again.
Just when my boss gave me the green light to make outlines for the new text books I will be solely making, my greatest enemy in the history of my writing career has once again welcomed itself to do nasty things. They happen at any given time, at any given day.

Hello writer's block!

The books should have been very easy to work on since I deal with this every single day of my waking hour. ESL (English as a Second Language) syllabus are very easy to handle most especially when you are teaching the course, 9 hours a day, 5 days a week.

But as I am writing this piece, my butt is planted on a chair with a Word document on the right side of the screen, so white. I was staring at it just as soon as I turned on my computer, waiting for words to type.

I remembered my co-worker telling me when I expressed sentiments on him. I have said that I'm pretty much worried on how will the project will turn out. He told me that I needed an inspiration. Well, I totally agree on it. If you are given the task to make an article on true love exist, I for one, can never write anything down given that my love life has taken its own toll.

Or it could probably be my lack of creativity. I know the drill even when I'm asleep. I have scanned hundreds of books but I want this project to have more than what usual books contain. I have lots of ideas yet the mere thought on how to start writing it just flew right on my very mind.

I need a distraction.
Yet,
I have to compartmentalize everything to be able to create a worthy manuscript.
Fast.

Okay, so I feel pressured. I probably researched a bit too much into it.
My head feels heavier than normal.
And for that, I am fretting, whining to myself.
This is worse.

But it doesn't give me much of a choice. I'll just take a breather this weekend. Maybe my brain really needs to rest. Maybe, my outlook will be brighter when Monday comes.

Stillness

2010-04-03T05:14:00.004+08:00

strange ideas,
coming to life

tick.. tock.. tick... tock...

sound of the bells

cool breeze

and the faint muffles of the night

calling.

Talking To Myself

2010-03-17T02:29:00.004+08:00

2:29 am

"I came home from work and I realized that each corner of this house has pieces of memory of you..."

~0~

"I told you that I will come back tonight. I know you understand why I didn't visit you.. But I will definitely be there on your last night here in Manila."

"But I'm still here naman, watching you from home. I can actually see you lay peacefully nga oh. Galing no? Hi-tech na talaga.."

"This is the least thing I could do Let.. I'm spending the last moments with you.. For the last time, at least, I am showing you how valuable you are in my life."

Until this very moment, I can't still believe you're gone..
I couldn't believe that I will never see you nor talk to you again.

"I have so much regrets Let. I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you. We've talked about this a million times and million times we have forgiven ourselves for the mistakes and all the pride but apologetic words just can't contain what I really feel."

"... And no matter how many times I've said goodbye, I'm so sorry Let.. I still don't mean it."

Acceptance

2010-03-15T19:27:00.003+08:00

In order for me to work better today, I have to detach myself from all emotions I've been feeling now.

Wow... Imagine that.
The statement took me just seconds to say, but seems forever to do.

So instead, I welcomed the pain and the angst. I accepted the hurt. If tears were to fall, then let it shed.

Because keeping it would only make myself worst.
No matter how hard I try, the reality will always sink in....
Deep down....
Through the shadow of loneliness.

Bittersweet Memory with Lloyd

2010-03-15T02:08:00.006+08:00

This is what you kept telling me every time we talk...

"People has to let go in order for one to be happy."

It never crossed my mind that today is the day you'll be gone from us.

12 years ago, you were one person that I have been looking forward to see as I cross the field and press you for an interview for the newspaper. While you were busy with your players, you painstakingly explained the rules of football. Then we became friends. You listened patiently to my whims, gave me millions of advices on how should I rear myself right.

That was the start of our story. Then the rest was a history.

You gave me the best time of my life, you also gave me the worst that one could ever imagine. But, we were together inseparable. I was your biggest headache apart from your players that you constantly kept on checking my class schedules, talked to my professors if I attended their class. If I wasn't there, you'd really roam the entire university and go to the places I'm always at. And you'll see me. I'll smile for my boo-boos, and you'll just shake your head. Yes, you were like my mother. Actually, you were worst than her. Despite your too much of a pride, I liked it. And you never gave up on me.

Until I turned my back on you, went back to my first love. You were ballistic on me, made my life a living hell with the threats you'll blow, and I, acted like nothing happened. As I moved on with my life, so did you. Both of us angry and hurt with how we ended our story but we always remained in touch and be friends as possible.

Destiny must have it's mysterious way to get us back together. I was sick and there you were. I was completely hung up with my life and you lifted me up and helped me get back to my feet. I thank you for that. And again, we opened another chapter of our lives.

Unlike in college, we had a whole different side of love to share. Every night, we talked about each little thing that we did in the past. One by one, we patched it and compromised to make everything right. You accepted my son as your own. For a moment back there, you were his father he never had. Just when I give up on parenting, you were the one who guided me. Then there are times when you go to out of the country and compete, you and your never-ending wisdom were still with me every night before I go to sleep until you surprise me one morning, waiting for me with my favorite breakfast, ask me for my schedule and completely ruin yours, spend the entire day with me to make even for the lost time. You never mind carrying heavy stuffs I need for work, or get stuck in a traffic jam just to come with me for oculars then give me a nice massage after a hard day's work. You totally supported me in everything I do.

Had it ever crossed your mind that when God gave you back to me, we never fought about a single thing? Our differences suddenly became a common. We learned to make way for each irritable moments and all the insecurities, comforted each other in the midst of emotional voids that we had. Those were the times indeed. We were so happy then.

Until God tested us how strong our bond is, we were suddenly bombed with the one big secret you are hiding from me. No matter how much I don't want to see myself walk away and let you go, I had to. We were both crying so hard and looking for ways not to see ourselves part. I knew you wouldn't let me go. And we needed time apart. I know that if I won't stop, we will never be happy again knowing that we made someone really hurt. Clouded with anger, I left you just the time that I know you needed someone.

That wasn't the last time I heard from you. Every now and then we talk and give updates with how are our lives been treating us. There were so many sudden news that you've told me but still, I know you were keeping things from me contrary to how I tell you my innermost thoughts.

The last time that I saw you perfectly healthy, I don't know what entered your mind and insisted on seeing me. Such persistence that I see in you when we were together are the things you will never do for a friend, not even an ex-girlfriend. But you did. And we talked, you even brought me home. I always knew that you were asking for forgiveness, which I honestly told you that all is forgiven. And you forgave me for my actions. But did you know that when I saw you, I wanted to hold you and don't want to let you go? I know you felt that. Because you held my hand and also don't want me to go. Because if you did not, you'll never call and ask about what was that moment that happened. Of course I denied and you laughed it off.

We should be used in turning our backs on each other by that time. But why was it so hard to part myself away from you?

Was that your way of saying goodbye for the last time?

Because few months after that, I learned you were so sick. I was completely stunned to know you have cancer. You're so health-conscious, perfectly healthy. You were so young and you deserved to get old, have kids and maybe see your grandchildren grow.

Did you honestly think I wouldn't know what was going on with you? I knew you were surprised I called you. I called to let you know that I will still be here. I just want you to know that I never felt sorry for you. I knew you would not like it. You want me to remain as strong as possible just like what you want for everybody. You tried so hard to sound normal, you even gave me one of your lectures on how to be this and that and how you wished me a happy life.

You told me it was an early stage. And that everything is fine and that I'll see you on your next chemo session. Well, you lied. You promised that it wouldn't be the last time that I'll see you. You promised that I will see you alive and it doesn't matter if you're sick or not. I told you that if someone between us will die first, it would be me knowing how I attract illnesses from the time we've met until now. Guess what, by the time that I'll see you later, you're already with the angels above, probably watching us.

I'm full with emotions and I don't know whether I should cry or be angry at you. One thing for sure is that I am so sad. Now this is how it feels to lose someone you loved and cared for. It's painful. It's such a waste that the world has once again lost a great man.

If you were still alive and read this blog, I'm sure of how much of a reaction will I be getting from you. And I know that you'll motivate me more to write. You are my biggest fan and I will sure miss it.

You are the strongest, most brave, and principled man I have ever met. Your love for everybody around you was unconditional. You are one great coach, a player, a friend, a partner and a son.

Even if you're up there now, I hope that you kept in your heart what I always tell you.. That a part of me will always love you. A part of me will always miss you. Part of me will always be with you. And I in turn will always treasure the love you've shown me in ways that you know. I will always remember the last time you told me the happiness I gave you will always stay in your heart.

Good bye Lloyd. It was a pleasure having you in my life.
I will definitely miss you big time.

Longing..

2010-02-26T02:34:00.003+08:00

Just as I was nearing home, I could already sense the gloom now that Mom has left again. It seems only yesterday when I was so excited for her to come back and be with the family. And now, 45 days later, she said goodbye for the meantime.

I was in the office when she flew back to Gijon. She did not let me take an emergency leave. She told me that I needed to work and I have to perform well if I really want to to teach abroad. She knew that it was what I wanted so I heeded her advise. When I was in the middle of my class, half of my mind was with her.

And so, when I reached the house and opened our door, I already felt the silence of our abode. I will be waiting again for months to hear my family's laughter. My dad, my son and I will be on our own private world again.

I will surely miss Mom's gourmet cooking, her phone calls and text messages to remind me I needed to eat or come home right after I finish work. I will be longing for the nights when she waits up just to open the door for me rather than letting me scrounge for my keys. I'll even miss her morning rantings, the gossips, mahjong, and all the quality time that we had.

When you get used to a situation, drastic change meets your way and you have no other choice but to learn to adapt quickly. This happens all the time. And it's happening to me once again.

No matter how I yearn for mom, it wouldn't bring her back to Manila. One of us has to leave in order for us to be together again. And with approximately 65,000 miles apart, I'm sure she misses us too.

But in God's time, we will all be together again... By the last quarter of the year, I hope.

Tiresome Tuesday

2010-02-23T16:26:00.003+08:00

I just finished my third class for the day and I am feeling exhausted.

I woke up so early and fix the papers that I need. Mom is taking my documents back to Spain this Thursday. So, even if I came home at 2am from work, I have no choice but to move a muscle by the crack of dawn or I'll get another yakkety-yak from my parents.

Good thing I was not late for work. Before I got here, I have thought of getting a nap before I start my class. Unfortunately, it never happened. The moment I logged on, my files were missing. Darn! Those Excel files that I painstakingly did was nowhere to be found.

I could have thrown a fit right after I realized the boo-boo or at least vent it all to my friend Nhel. That's the least I could do since I didn't have much of a choice but to do everything again. But I am too tired to react. I still feel sleepy (after a venti iced latte I had), I am hungry (after eating lunch and a couple of bread few minutes ago) and my back is aching.

And while I am typing these words, I already knew that I am overly stressed. And I am still halfway of my shift.

But at least, I know I will finish my class early. My last schedule is. I hope I can come home early so I can sleep the night away.

An Hour Left

2010-02-19T21:57:00.003+08:00

I am currently in the office with nothing to do. This is the first time in my ESL career that my evening is free. I'm still looking for something else to do aside from listening to calls, reading the manuals. I'm done navigating the intranet, as well as the templates and resource materials I will be needing for my classes next week.

I couldn't wait for my blood pressure to rise up from the lazy students I will be having. I'm so anxious for the moment I will have another great laugh and sometimes, teary moments with them. I can't wait to get pissed off with all the deadlines, down servers and all the memos I will soon be getting.

But for now, it's quite time for me. This happens rarely but I'm bored.
The only thing I look forward right now is 11p.m. The clock ticking every second and I'm about to go home.

Not a CHEERFUL thought

2010-02-18T01:45:00.005+08:00

This is not a cheerful topic.

Back in 2005, I was diagnosed with stageI breast cancer. It's the first stage wherein there are few cancer cells growing around the breast area but treatable. It was a 2.7cm lump, slightly bigger to a normal-sized peanut. Around 83% of women who acquires this stage survives. Yet the fact that my oncologist told me the word CANCER was enough to gave me the shivers. What's the difference of an early stage cancer to a terminal one? Cancer eats up your good cells. Depending on the cell reaction of the dreadful radiation sessions, it may either kill bad cells or will rapidly grow in numbers. You'll never know what will happen next.

I thought my life would end abruptly after hearing the news. It was so unimaginable having spent a quarter of a normal human's life span. There were times when I get so depressed, yet there were times that I chose to remain strong for myself, for my son. My emotions and my perception has gone to a roller coaster ride. From being an optimistic to a person with great pessimism, it was a terrifying scene.

That was five years ago and here I am, still a survivor. I was fortunate to detect the early stages that I was able to hold on to my life. I was fortunate to have the chance to become a better person with a lot of dreams to fulfill.

But now, everything has changed. The cancer topic is again, on my nerves as I was given a news about the my old boyfriend acquiring one.

I must say that I felt angry, confused and frustrated at the fact that his life may (but I hope not) end at such young age. I should say that at 30-something, he is on the peak of his well-loved career. In reality, everybody dies and we all know it. The down side? Nobody is prepared to die.

When I talked to him this morning, I felt relieved that he is still on its early stage. there is a fat chance that he'll still spend number of years to make his life more worthwhile. But what's stunning is the given fact that doctor's diagnosis was liver cancer.

I am no medical practitioner but I am fully aware that poor diet, and most especially, drinking are the main cause of getting the illness. It was unbelievable knowing my old flame never drinks more that two bottles of beer, never smoked, never took any drugs that can cause his liver to fail. I can vividly recall how I gulp the last drop of my drink while he stares at me sipping his iced tea whenever we are out. He is ridiculously conscious on his health. When the clock strikes by midnight, expect him to be drooling on his pillows. That's him. And I could not imagine why of all sickness would he get that.

Anyhow, he gave me the details on when he first learned it, what his doctors told him and the cost of process. He told about his chemo sessions. I fought so hard to make the conversation as casual as possible by making jokes and teasing him. I can tell from his voice that he was trying to sound as if he's okay but in fact, not.. I'm not surprised. His biggest asset is his competitiveness. He is a natural born fighter. I'm glad.

I told him that I want to see him and visit in his house with our friends, he refused. Knowing him, he'll think it's a waste of time dropping by to check how he's doing. A typical guy with an ego, he does not like to see any teary emotion in our eyes as he thinks it's a sign of weakness. Although he said he will give me updates on when will his next chemo session be, then I, I mean we, could visit in the hospital. I chuckled. How are we going to talk to an exhausted human being who just got high radiations? Same old stubborn person.

I thought a lot of him since I heard the news. And I am still thinking more about him now. One thing for sure, I want him to survive this challenge God has given him. I don't want to say goodbye and neither are our friends. He's too young for that. I want him to lead a more colorful life in the next 50 or 60 years with a family of his own. After all, I had loved and cared this person from the first part of our relationship in 1998 until we got back together in 2006. The years we have spent together, be it good times or real rough and rocky moments are always enough to treasure the bond that we have now.

In the end, this is indeed not a cheerful thought. But I am hoping for the best. Ideally, death is not an option to this person. And I don't want him and the people that surround him agonize at the chance of losing him. It's not a question that we still want to see his smile, his hearty laughter, hear his irritating whines and sarcasms. We all really do.

Good News.. Bad News

2010-02-17T00:29:00.004+08:00

And so I woke up this morning with a smile pasted on my face. Long weekend is over and I just couldn't wait to get my butt at work. I was an hour late yet the management brushed my little boo-boo. I had this sense of feeling that my day will turn out great. I was right.

My simulation turned out to be impeccable amidst the noise that surrounded me during my entire . My trainer told me I am ready. After 5 days of training on 12 teacher manuals, I was able to survive the process. I'm on to the next big step tomorrow.

That wasn't very surprising (I know I'm only being cocky) since one of my greatest passion is to teach. I deserved a two-thumbs up from my mentors as I followed there tips and advices each has given me.

What's more to that was, I will be in the office at 12nn then out at 5pm. Wow! That's only 5 hours of work and I will still get my days pay! Wasn't that nice? Now I will have the time to lull around and prepare for my board exam.

Another thing was, I was able to spend time with my friends from IWP. It always gives me a happy feeling whenever I am with them. Although sad part was, each has their own challenges that they face in their marital life. I am not happy with what I heard. As much as I want to nag at them, I could not.

Also, today is Tom's birthday. I fought hard not to send him a greeting but I thought he could use something to cheer him up even though I'm the least person to wish him on his birthday. Swallowing my pride on him was something to grouch about. It's not easy to make friends with someone who you trusted and yet failed you. But I did. At least I tried. Besides, one will never know that from just a simple text could make someone regret the rest of his life and so I did, halfheartedly.

That's not only the bad side of my good day. Just few minutes ago, I turned this computer on to check my email and my fencing coach sent me a message to inform me that my ex just recently diagnosed with cancer. I was so stunned. My ex-ex-boyfriend *we broke up in 1999 and 2006 respectively*, used to be a national player-turned-coach of a national team, a health buff who follows a rigorous diet and training was found to have liver cancer.. which I don't have the slightest clue on how he acquired it. He occasionally drink. Give him three bottles of beer and he'll be sleeping like a drooling dog. He never smoked. No vices. <<< I know you will read this somehow, yes, it's you who I am talking about so please.. be strong.

My adrenaline is rushing. My emotions, blank and the words that come out from my mouth, incomprehensible. I actually do not know what to feel. Yes, I am very happy with the way my life is turning but the people who are and became a part of my life are facing roadblocks ahead of their way. Why can't just everybody be happy? I always thought life is unfair but there are always reasons to it. We can face challenges but not like this one. So hard to accept.

Life.. =(

Last Week.. This Week

2010-02-14T04:06:00.003+08:00

Here are another random things I did last week.

** I dyed my hair. Whoopeedoo!
** I started working again. =0
** I have approximately 12 textbooks and 12 teacher's manual to master until the end of the week.
** I'm finally done with Chapter 2 of my TEFL review.
** Spanish is hard for me to comprehend. I feel stupid re-learning the language.
** I got a call from my tutor last Wednesday, informed me of a teaching post in Zaragoza and Seville. And there is nothing I can do.
** Our room is finally finished. Hmmm.. I need to find a nice wallpaper.
** Since I worked in Edutown, I never came on time. I'm really not a morning person! =(
** Feeling so in-love now. It's Valentine's Day and I don't have a date. So what??
** Cooked linguini this evening and everybody came back for a second-helping. =)
** I finished one kilo of grapes tonight. That's gluttony.
** My mom was so surprised that I always go home straight from work. No night-outs.
** Mom is happy. She thinks I've changed a lot!
** I wasn't able to book my flight to Cebu and CDO... No more 50% discount for me. Huhu.
** A liter of pain is still waiting for me.. Need to paint the walls. Haaaay!
** I think I'm back to smoking. Think!?!?!
** Had a fight with my sister-in-law
** Happy to reunite with an old crush. Yiheeee!
** Finished an errand for my brother.

Now for this week..

** I'll cook arroz blanca with aligue later.
** No work on Monday! YEhey!
** Will spend my long weekend trying out new recipes with Mom.
** Church! Church!
** Test calls on Thursday and Friday. Those will be my stressful days fo' sho
** Have to file my registration for my exam.
** Bills due. Waah!
** Need to draw an outline for the book I'm doing. =(
** meeting.. meeting and meeting..
** DERMA day
** If I could squeeze my bi-annual check-up, it would be very very great.
** Will definitely find time to meet up friends from Lynx.
** House-hunting with Trina.
** Edit Marcus' website.
** Find a quality time with my son. Gotta teach him how to play EQUALIZER.
** PSCRB training.. Need to enroll.
** Many many more!

Think I'll survive?
I hope.

Huff and Puff

2010-02-08T03:52:00.003+08:00

Still can't sleep.

After my last blog entry, I'm still busy changing my digital signature. Eyes, still lethargic, brains wide-awake. I'm too pooped to finish Chapter 2 of my TEFL book.

I'm also downloading an e-book, courtesy of my ex, who surprisingly sent me the title of the book, How to Stop Smoking by Alan Car (thank you so much). From 5 weeks, 3 days, 20 hours and 19 minutes of ETA, I'm down to 4 hours and 32 minutes. Yey!

While waiting for it to finish, I am also resisting my nicotine feed since I came back home from my QT with friends.

Talk about temptation.
I just lit my last stick of Marlboro. Hmm... I felt relieved.

But enough.
"Only three puffs that I need to savor", I conviced myself just seconds ago.

Better get a shut-eye or I won't stop.

Monday Mania

2010-02-08T03:32:00.009+08:00

I haven't realized that it's already Monday. At 3:19 am, I am still wide-awake. Eyes, lethargic but brain on-guard.

Just few hours ago, I was having coffee with my friends, the inseparable Reena and Allan, my son Aaron and Jaffy. I haven't seen them in almost a month. Despite the fact that we remained seated the whole time gossiping, I felt tired. It's no wonder.. My son and I trodded a hot sunny and crowded Sunday afternoon in Manila, what can I expect

And tomorrow is another new day. Errrr... later, I mean. Mondays meant a lot of work and errands to do.

The past days wore me out renovating the house, repotting the plants, work, tending Aaron, furniture shopping, and reviewing for my exam.

When will work ever end??

I suddenly wish it's Friday again. I neeeeeed long hours of sleeeeeeeeeep!

It All Started With A PTA Meeting...

2010-02-08T02:49:00.001+08:00

Attending PTA meetings are one of the things I never did since Aaron became a full-pledged student. It's always my cousin or my dad who attends as I have been busy working my ass to provide for our expenses. I never liked going to all sort of school functions (EXCEPT for recognition and programs where I get to be a proud parent for my Aaron's distinguished honors). I hate to mingle with parents gossiping on who's who and what's what.

Anyway, I was only at Aaron's school to get his report card and I was led to a parent-teacher meeting. The focus was to get a consensus whether where should the children go for their yearly field trip. I yawned as I listened to the discussion and it struck me to find out that, again, my child and the rest of the students will go either Enchanted Kingdom or Star City (an amusement park), along with Avilon Zoo and a couple of bread factory down south.

I stared wide-eyed in disbelief at my sister, unable to speak as we were seated in front. Most of the parents were ecstatic. I was DEFINITELY not. For starters, the cost of the trip is 1,000 pesos. It was rather cheap but I am just overly dissatisfied on their itinerary. What would elementary students learn in watching machines making bread and donuts (by the way, they also visited factories last year) and going to amusement parks? Besides, we live in Bulacan. It is up NORTH, an hour travel to Manila, going to EAST (plus an hour and a half) then SOUTH, estimated 2 hours from the east side. Then another 2hours going back home. That's a tiring 7-hour travel time!

I was a student for so long, in oh so many schools. I am not an old-fashioned mother but the field trips done in our time was so beneficial in all aspects of my student life. I visited The National Museum, Rizal Shrine in Fort Santiago, Nayong Pilipino, Metropolitan Museum, Planetarium (unfortunately, it's already closed), Casa Manila, San Agustin Church, Jungle Survival in Subic, parks, some factories (only visited twice in my lifetime). We did camping, planted trees, everything. Mind you, most of these places are seated in the heart of Manila. Less travel time, more fun. More places to visit, more things to learn. Visiting such places would not cost you much.

I used to work with other schools (most are the schools I attended) in their educational trips and I have a really big idea of how much the school pays for a complete itinerary. So I got myself a pen a paper and tried to break it down. Here's what I got:

BUS (12-hr service including toll, driver and gas): Php14,000- 20,000 /40capacity= PHP 350 - 500

Avilon Zoo PHP 200/pax (which I'm so positive they will get a discount for field trips)

Enchanted Kingdom 320/pax (Again, I am positive there's a student rate)

Factories 50-70/pax/factory

INSURANCE 10-20/pax (which I doubt there was any because I was not informed)

I'm giving you a total of ... Jaaa-raaan! PHP 920.00-1,090!! That's without any discount given.

Well, the remaining PHP 60.00++ of the payment goes to school of course. That is always the set-up. We call it a donation for the school's improvement. PHP 60.00++ is just a fraction to what you can contribute for the institution my child is being molded. I don't really care as long as the trip would make an impact to my son. The itinerary was already a cliche. I can actually get an itinerary with the same price, less travel and around 7-9 places to breeze in, all with school's percentage.

Having a big mouth and a knack of complaining where unfair treatment is served, I started bursting my sentiments about how children should engage in trips where they can learn more rather than having more fun. Educational trips are a fun and learning experience to every student. Regardless where they go, as long as they are with friends and learning new things, it is worthwhile for them. I was once a student. I know. Besides, I am a teacher. I know what is best.

The room was silent when I explained my views and most of the parents seem to agree on me. There were murmurs and ideas were flying out. Hands were raised just to get the principal's attention. Everybody wanted to speak. I grinned triumphantly at my sister then the principal said that it was the children's decision and the itinerary can't be changed. So I said, "What the fuck was the consensus that you were telling us about?!?"

I forgot my manners but what do I care? The meeting was so trivial and I just wasted 2 lousy hours when my purpose was to get Aaron's report card and talk to his teacher about his 7-day absence for our Cebu trip. As a mom, a once-student and a teacher, I felt deceived. The administration clearly tells us that parents do not have a say but rather it's the children and the school counts. For privately-owned school, it is a business. Yet it has a great responsibility of imparting a quality education. With good education, you can be certain of a 100% profit.

... Now that it opened up, I have more complains about this school when it comes to their homeworks, projects, curriculum etc..

That was three weeks ago. And I have completely forgotten it until Aaron told me that his teacher asked why is he not going to the trip. My son said, "Teacher, I had enough trips na po. Nagpunta po ako ng Tagaytay, Cebu, Pangasinan at pupunta pa kami ng Baguio, Laguna, Batangas at Subic. Napuntahan ko na rin kasi ung Enchanted Kingdom eh."

Wow. Smart kid.

And for my conclusion, I am very disappointed at my son's school. I am so disgruntled on the things they are teaching my child. I am, very, frustrated. I don't care about the cost, I care about the substantial knowledge my kid will grasp. I could send my son to a 2,500-peso Corregidor trip if the school would mandate them to. I would love my son to experience that. He will get the hang of history and have fun there as well. I would rather have him visit Manila Ocean Park or Zoobic Safari and learn more about animals without going too far. I would rather have him visit The National Museum, The National Library or Fort Santiago and learn about the great men who contributed greatly in Philippine history. That, in the first place, is why I am sending him to school. To be able to get a glimpse of what knowledge is about, not just for mere fun. Educational Trips are just a yearly event for the students to loosen up with their friends and teachers while becoming well versed on most subjects they study.

So now I have a greater task. I will start looking for a new school that balances the academic and socio-cultural aspects of my son. And from there, I will attend all the PTA meetings.

Swear.

Another Random Things Revealed

2010-02-06T10:55:00.003+08:00

** I woke up at 7am
** It's already 10:56 am and I'm still on my pj's.
** I've been telling my son to take a bath for the last 15minutes.
** After two weeks, I'm still studying Chapter 2 of my TEFL exam.
** I have not opened my Spanish book nor listened to the audio file for my Spanish proficiency practice test.
** I have not printed a copy of my brother's picture for NBI.
** I am so stuffed from my sumptuous breakfast.
** It's hot outside. I don't wanna go out.
** I just got a text from my sister in law telling me she's in the hospital.
** I feel sleepy.
** I just lit my first cigarette and I felt nauseous.
** As of the moment, my son is still not moving from his seat and it's already 11:07am.
** Should I buy DVDs today?
** I have a meeting at 5pm and I don't want to go.
** I need Coke and chocolates.
** Land Before Time is on Disney Channel. No wonder my son is stuck.
** I need to get outta here by 2pm.
** Hmmm, I guess I should drop by at the Casino and visit old colleagues before I go to my meeting.
** Trina and Laica are inviting me to go to Ascend tonight.
** It's been quite too long since I have not gone clubbing.
** I want to drink. Too many dead brain cells to get rid off.
** Cebu Pacific is having a 50% discount on all domestic and international flights. Promo is until February 8. Hmmm... Perfect for Cebu and Boracay trip this April.
** I wonder where are we taking lunch today?
** Aaron just slumped his back on the floor. Still watching.
** Time for me to move a muscle. This bratty little kid needs discipline.

My New Lifestyle

2010-02-02T03:06:00.002+08:00

Right this very second, my shoulders are aching, eyes drooping and mouth salivating over the sight of one precious stick of Marlboro lying quietly in front of me. MY inner voice tells me, "Take me, I'm yours."

I am fighting so hard to resist it.

It has been two weeks since my mother gave me an ultimatum to quit smoking. At 30, yes, my mother still tries to control my life. In a good way, of course. She told me that unless I quit smoking, the things she carefully planned out for me, I do not get. Knowing the power of my mom, I asked her if she could at least let me have 3sticks/a day. She agreed.

For two weeks, Mom is trying to keep me busy, not wanting me to work and gave me errands that would not let me keep out of her sight.

Yes, she's winning.

And for that, I turned to binge eating wherein I eat everything that I see in the fridge, constantly taking forty winks as possible as I can, then back again to eating.

For two weeks, I gained a lovely 11lbs.

And just by looking myself in the mirror, I came to a conclusion that smoking indeed kept me from gaining weight.

So now I look forward to the moment I wake up. To eat, to sleep, to do errands while eating, nap and my occasional three sticks that I can no longer finish.

I can breathe deeply now. Although I get this nasty colds and cough on and off, A case of withdrawal. It's nasty but I felt good.

Then again, as much as I am happy about my new lifestyle, I think about until when will I be like this. For I know in time, I will be back to puffing and huffing once more.

And so, one precious stick lying peacefully in front of me, waiting for me to light it up, is still here.

So hard to resist.. but I have to do it.

Road Trip

2010-01-30T03:44:00.002+08:00

It's already 3:45am here. My parents are already awake and I, still haven't gotten a shut-eye since 9am yesterday. Well, I was quite busy here at home. I helped repainting the house and changing the wall paper. I attended PTA meeting, entertained my teenage niece, taught one class for my friend and reviewed for my Spanish/TEFL teaching license -- which I'm not sure if I absorbed a single thing. A long day, yet surprisingly not at all pressured since my mother was the one who was busy preparing snacks for me to notice a tiresome day.

Yet here's my dilemma. In a matter of minutes, the kids will wake up and have to prepare for our road trip up north. And I wonder if I will be able to enjoy the weekend with my family sleepless.

Guess I'll just bring two of my favorite pillows and a blanket then sleep throughout our 6-hour travel. I think it's enough.

Toodle-loo!

Last Week...

2010-01-30T02:40:00.010+08:00

So, the week spent in Cebu was so hectic.. but fun. True, I was not able to spend an ample time with my friends just as what I promised them. However, I have rediscovered quite a lot with myself and my heritage.

That week paved a way for me to be reminded of what I have long forgotten. It reminded that I have my cousins which I had not seen for the longest time. I've been so caught up with my own life, in my own world, with my own friends which drew a blank that ties my line towards my good relationship with relatives. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that being with them is just like being with my friends. I had a great time.

It also reminded me the time where I spent my happy childhood that brought me peace.. in the place my bloodline has fought and worked so hard to our benefit. To be honest, I was really looking forward to that moment, as I was to impart a chunk of what I experienced to my son. That was a crucial moment for me to prepare myself and my son to the bigger responsibility that we will soon face... as a part of continuing our heritage.

One of the valuable lessons that I have learned from last week was family ties. It's been years since I have not seen my mom. Few years back, it seems that my family went on separate ways.. My brothers led their own lives, and my parents were miles apart and are still fighting (Jeez.. married life!), making me insane, forced to absorb everything they say to each other and trying to console them as possible as I can. It has brought to my attention that it was not. All were just petty misunderstandings that married couple get. And I as a daughter is still oblivious even at my age. Now, seeing my parents enjoying their time with each other (to a point that I find it sickening), is something that is worthwhile to see. We all have renewed our once-estranged relationship.

To sum it all up, it was a meaningful trip and gave me a retrospect of the things that I should value most. With what I have in my life, I can always say I'm very lucky.

Waiting For...

2010-01-14T02:31:00.006+08:00

This photo totally sums up everything that I'm looking forward this weekend. Only three days to go and I am back to my mother's hometown for Sinulog festival. This year, I'll be with my relatives, my mom, dad, my son, friends and practically the whole population of Cebu. I'm absolutely certain that this will be one of the best vacations I will ever have.

As of this writing, a big smile is pasted on my face as I know that I will definitely have a blast. For years that I have spent my life here, I don't recall any events that I felt mad, or sad.

Cebu, here I come. I will paint the town red.

Sentence Completion 101

2010-01-13T03:30:00.003+08:00

I am trying to keep my mind off things and decided to amuse myself.

...This is the best thing I could ever come up.

The most recent thing I bought for myself was... A TICKET TO CEBU. I NEED VACATION!
I hate people who are... LIARS
I have no clue... ON WHAT AM I DOING RIGHT NOW
I used to... HAVE A NATIONAL HANGOVER DAY
I'll show you... MY WORLD. =)
Are you aware... THAT TIGER WOODS NEVER HAD A BLACK GIRLFRIEND?
No wonder... PEOPLE ARE STARING AT ME. MY FLY IS OPEN! LOL!
Whenever I have little time... I ALWAYS SLEEP. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I've tried... ALMOST EVERYTHING!
Last night I... WAS WIDE-AWAKE
My first kiss was... INSIDE THE CHURCH
Nothing beats... COCA-COLA
If I ever go back to school... I'D DEFINITELY STUDY MORE
I am... WHAT I AM
If you spend the night in my house... WE'D BE A COUCH POTATO
I know I am drunk when I... KEEP MOVING FROM ONE SEAT TO ANOTHER
Beer... MAKES MY TUMMY BIG
If I could visit a country... I'D GO TO KENYA AND VISIT LUCY
Cigarette... IS THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD'NT LEAVE ME
I am what I eat... THEREFORE I'M A PIG.
I decided to... QUIT SMOKING WHEN MY GIGANTIC LIGHTER RUNS OUT OF FLUID
Can the blind... SEE THEIR DREAMS?
I want... NOBODY, NOBODY BUT YOU! (clap clap)
I used to work... IN A CASINO AS GUEST SERVICES ATTENDANT. BUT MY MAIN JOB WAS TO WATER THE PLANTS. HAHAHA!
If I will be a Velcro salesman... I'LL STICK WITH IT.
If I will be a scientist... I'D INVENT AN ARTIFICIAL BRAIN
I shouldn't have been... SO STUPID WITH MY LAST SO-CALLED RELATIONSHIP
I'd rather... BE WITH MY FAMILY
I'm willing to try... SOMETHING NEW. =p
My name... IS TOO LONG FOR ME TO HANDLE
I'm terrible... IN SAYING NO.
I often wonder... IF I WILL GET MARRIED SOMEDAY
I'm pretty sure... I WILL CHOOSE WISELY NEXT TIME.
I've been told I look like... INA RAYMUNDO, MIKEE COJUANGCO, JENNYLYN MERCADO, POKWANG AND PANCHITO. LOL!
I own... A LOT OF BOOKS WHICH I REREAD FROM TIME TO TIME
When I was younger... I ACT LIKE AN ADULT
Now that I am older... I ACT LIKE A CHILD
The last time I got drunk... WAS DURING FRIENDSHIP'S POST HOLIDAY GERA.
I am looking forward... TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY. TAKE ME NOW 'MA!
I will.. FINALLY GET MYSELF A SHUT EYE

Blue Funk Before Bedtime

2010-01-13T02:21:00.004+08:00

I woke up feeling woozy today and as part of my routine, I checked my email, paypal, facebook for updates (waiting for good news). Using Yahoo Beta, I don't need to open my messenger as I can see my friends who are online. I sat in front of my computer and saw a person on my chat list. The very same person whom I don't want to see nor talk.

Then I got myself to thinking and wondered whether I should talk to him or just let it pass. Because of the words unsaid and of wanting closure, I found sending him an IM. After all, I still find him a nice guy. And I deserve reasons.

I fought so hard not to be emotional, although I know I am.. I cry for the darndest things.. I feel bleak when I see people hurting.. I feel heavy when I know that a person has something to say but does not have the face to tell me. I can tell the aura of someone who is going through rough times and I, have always wanted to reach out and console and help them be at peace despite me ending up more hurt. I am gullible.. A city girl who has done things one can imagine, experienced a lot in life, has met different types of people, but still naive. This trait, no matter how ironic it is for my personality and how others perceive me, is always a factor of being taken advantage of.

Our chat was only short. Just a brief explanation of why he went away, of what went wrong. Again, he is a nice guy and I could tell that he tried to make our talk as easy as possible towards cul de sac. But I retaliated. I know what he's up to. Yet, deep within, I still am the trusting girl who believes in what he said and tried to fathom where he's coming from.

After he logged out with no goodbyes, I ended it all with an email. I tried to be as objective as I can but the words I typed couldn't fit with what I wanted it to happen. There were hurtful words, a bit of advice and morale boosting (I guess.) I felt awful of not telling him that I wouldn't let him let me go for another girl. On the other hand, I felt relieved...

My melancholia has given me an ample of self-loathing tonight and I haven't got a clue if this is what I really wanted. My heart is telling me to hold on. My mind, however, does not agree. It is why I am still sitting in front of my computer, blogging my pain away.

And it is why I am most certain that this has got to stop. I must do something right this very minute. But how do I start? How do I pick up the pieces again?

Sleepless

2010-01-12T04:02:00.005+08:00

It's already past 4am,

And I couldn't sleep.

My brains must be overloaded with trivial things.

And it needs to stop.

Or I'll be another piece of a human malfunction called JUNK in the morning.

No more afternoon naps,

No more cigarettes,

No more caffeine for me.

Cattle-Call With College Gals

2010-01-11T22:19:00.018+08:00

One of the best things that happened during my crappy week for both myself and my son has been getting in touch with my friends from college.. I haven't seen ourselves in each other's company for many years.

Anyway in the middle of my shoddy week, I got a text message from Gretchen who just flew back from Dubai that we should hang out at Hersy's. Uh-uh.. I live up north and I am bound to go down south, I muttered to myself. Although, my enthusiasm for this trip was so high with the prospect of ganging up with old friends.

Sunday came and after two hours of laborious travel, Jem, Chen and Abby were relieved when my son and I got there 30minutes behind our meeting time. Yes, breaking the record of being the Queen of Tardiness.

Gretchen, the one in the middle is my closest friend in college. We spent our

coed years like the typical girls who just discovered freedom.

Abby, the one with my son is my "sleep-mate" in a laundry shop off-campus during lunch breaks, free time (even during class periods).

Jem, Chen's classmate from high school and my high school friend's classmate in college, who I vividly remember as the one who visits our favorite hangout let alone waits for us all by herself while we were still in our respective classes.

And Hersy, our host (not in the picture), who is anxiously waiting for us to arrive.

Everybody was so giddy with the latest updates on our respective lives. Another hour and a half passed, we reached the city of

Tagaytay. Hersy came to meet us up and off we went to her place. The picture on the left is her house surrounded by pineapples. Talk about having a real-live FARMVILLE! The weather was beautiful. It was pretty sunny with bitingly cold air touching our skin. Good thing I wore pants that day.

We went to Pinacolina, a cozy inn just few hundred steps from the Contreras while we wait for another good yet nasty college friend Jay (whoops!) whom we haven't seen since 2004. Another hysterical laughter emerged, another stories to share, another moment to cherish.

Needless to say, we all had a great time and most of all, the kids enjoyed the moment. Just having a quiet time, in a quiet place and the privilege of being together.

That is all there is to it. Priceless.

Crammin'

2010-01-10T07:04:00.002+08:00

So much to do..

... So little time.

Gotta get my head straight and feet up.

I just remember it's Black Nazarene Day. So much for the hopes of a smooth travel from Bulacan to Tagaytay.

Aaron and I will be definitely late.. again!

Random-ness

2010-01-06T21:13:00.004+08:00

** After my 3-hour afternoon nap, I'm still tired.

** After eating dinner, I'm still hungry.

** My son, Aaron is still awake and waiting for him to finish preparing for bed.

** What will I do when Aaron's sleeping na? Gotta be a couch potato na lang or read The Lost Symbol again.

** I want to eat chili mussels and bacon asparagus from The Greek Restaurant.

** I'm sad because thoughts of #%@ still haunts me.

** As of the moment, I am cursing myself for drinking Appetens for weight gain. Arrgh!

** I miss working.. Gimme stress pleeease!

** Looking forward for my weekend Tagaytay getaway with college friends.

** I can smell isaw. But no isaw in Bulacan. =( Haaay, this place is supposedly full of poultry farm!

** I'm counting 10 more days and I'm off to Cebu! SINULOG!!!

** I have to review for my TOEFL exam. Jeez!

** I finished my son's very beautiful clay cake but still halfway on his kite project. (Why on earth would his teacher let them make such things??)

** I am chatting with Reena... and she's typing so slow! =)

** Am waiting for my brother to log in.

** I'm yawning... Haaaayyy!

** Have to talk to somebody.. I'm sure nagtatampo na skin un.

** I want to go to Manila...

** I wasn't able to attend Joaquin's 40days.. Soweee bebeh Sha. Damn Appetens..

** I still have to convince myself that I can no longer pursue my cruise job.. and that I am finally giving in to what my family wants.

** So tempted to drink Grey Goose stuck in our pantry..

** I want to invite friends over. But each has their respective lives. I'm so inggit!

** To smoke or not to smoke? Nahhh.. later na lang.

** At last, Aaron's done and ready to sleep. I just need to lie beside him to make sure he'll sleep early. Toodles!

Quiet Christmas.. But the Magic Lives On...

2009-12-26T01:21:00.004+08:00

Christmas Day is done at this time of writing. And for this year, we celebrated it just like an ordinary day.

As an adult, Santa Claus' existence is gone and the magic seems to wear out. We all become realistic. All that I can ever think are the Christmas list I need to finish, gatherings I have to attend and the relaxation that I've been anticipating from my stressed life.

Few months ago, I was so anxious for the traditional Noche Buena with my family. Of course, they expect me to make up something nice for the holidays and so my sister-in-law and I cooked up a get together for the kids (They rarely see each other nowadays) at home then they will wake up altogether on Christmas morning to open their stockings and gifts. This is so far my most exciting in this year's holiday. To witness the warm expression you'll see on kid's faces.

However, plans change all the time and my sister-in law decided they will just visit after Christmas. So it's just me, my father and my son.

The house was uncomfortably silent except for the television humming while my dad and my son attended mass and I, busy preparing food. No children running around the house this year, no one tried to tease me on how they wish everyday is Christmas Day so I'll do the kitchen duty. Nobody pointed fingers on who will wash the dishes after. It was deafening.

Around 11:30pm when the guys in my life came home from Church and from there, they already felt that Christmas is just like Monday, except, we get to sleep late. We ate in silence, talked about plans when the rest of the family comes home. Said our goodnight and prepared for bed.

There was nothing special on Christmas morning as well. We just opened each others presents, said thank-you's, had breakfast and off we went to our own private worlds. I asked my son if there's anything he'd like to do. He just told me he'd rather stay at home and play. My dad, has told me he'll just go to a party nearby. So I gave in. Anyway, it's their choice that will be followed. Whatever that makes them happy, so be it.

I put on low, yet upbeat Christmas songs and danced while I think of something to pass the time. My son laughed, (I guess he thought her mom's acting crazy again) and eventually got tempted and joined me. I just tickled my son's fancy. Few minutes later, we were dancing like the rock stars. I saw my son's face lit up. It was priceless.

What happened next was a quality time between a mother and a son. We never had this moment in his entire existence. We watched Christmas videos and played games. We talked a lot of things the whole day. From the funniest to the most serious of all. Things which I hadn't realized that I will be getting inside an 8-year old's mind. What he said, coming from a child who never stops watching cartoons, who cries his heart out just to get his turn to open his Facebook, was something unbelievable to fathom.

If there is something that I have learned this Christmas, it is that you can always make the day special even if there was nothing much of a festivity going on. As long as you are with the people closest to your heart. And to mark this time of year, I may have just spent the most quiet Christmas, but it's the most magical of all.. I got what i wanted.

I Need To Relax!

2009-11-20T02:25:00.003+08:00

What if a trusted person would lie to you about one big thing that it entirely changed the outcome of your future? What if, this trusted person would sell you and make your life so miserable? So complicated?

Reality bites. It sucks.. And you're absolutely at it.
Even if you pop a tranquilizer, or take large doses of Tramadol to make you numb, it still won't make any difference. It still would not bring you to a peaceful sleep.

Stressful.

I need a beer,
Loud music..
A chocolate,
.. and all of my happy friends!

I need to relax, clear my head,
... be happy.

I might as well do that this evening.
And I will definitely have fun!

The Road To Home

2009-11-16T22:50:00.003+08:00

"I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost

Oftentimes, people take a certain path of life with no turning back. And yet, people wonder how would their life be if they took the usual course.

As a traveler of life, I have climbed up huge rocks that crossed my way. I have also stumbled through a pile of tiny pebbles because I don't give a time to take notice. I have crossed stormy seas, and even fell from the mighty skies. I did it all, had all, felt all. All because of the two lonely roads in front of me, waiting to be strolled along.

I did it again but this time, it's far far different from the outcome I am so used of getting.
I was lost in a dark trodden path, yet I have found my way home.

Home, in the arms of my family, long lost friends
Home, in the arms of my life's passion, of love and serenity.
Home, that gives warmth to my soul.

I've never been happier after months of self-loathing and despise I have gone through the past months.

And I wonder, if I could have gone through the easy path which I know I'll be safe, would I be this grateful?

I don't think so.